8 months and counting.

It has been a wild year. The wildness continues.

Lil Guy hits 8 months old in about two weeks. He is sitting up on his own, wiggle worming and rolling. Not quite crawling yet but pretty soon I bet. He's eating solid food, still on formula. His reflux and allergies are improving.. his development is right on track (Amen!). He's sweet and giggly and peaceful unless he's hungry poopy or exhausted. He has no teeth. He will be an old man for halloween.

Otto is enjoying and begging for "pre" preschool. So we spend lots of our times on letters and counting and whatnot. I'm in no rush for anything formalized. He's learning plenty in our daily world and a few printables and crafts here and there. He will be Darth Vader for halloween (he has no clue who this is other than from "star wars" which he hasn't even seen other than cartoon versions on netflix once or twice.

Micaiah.. is potty training. I wasn't ready for that at 20 months old but he sure was. He has done pretty well on his own. Still having lots of pee accidents but gets himself to the potty more times than he doesn't so I'm ok with it. I keep him bare bummed in the house and he does ok. I don't do boot camps... I don't do every 10 minutes reminders. I don't want to be trained.. I don't have the time or brain capacity. He either does it.. or he doesn't. We'll be in diapers during naps and nights and out and about for a long while. I have no expectations of having him diaper free by baby Abe. Which means... 3 in diapers.. 1 in pullups at night still. I should by stock in Huggies. Yes we cloth diaper to some degree.. but if you can't tell.. I don't like being a slave to my parenting choices.. so we just go with the flow.  He will probably be wolverine or a dinosaur for halloween.. depending on which he decides to wear.


I am due with Baby Abe in about a month and a few days. My mom, sister and nephew will be here for the birth... and possibly Justin too. We are still planning on having a home birth with our awesome midwife that also delivered Micaiah at home. He will be unborn at halloween. I don't have a pregnant costume yet but a whole lot of people want me to be an avocado. I am grateful hubs vetoed that one. And I don't think showing up to the foster care trunk or treat as "beer belly man" "pregnant britney" or any of the other distasteful pregnant costumes would be a wise choice. Probably.. I'll just be lame and pregnant. I've got a purple maternity shirt.. maybe I can pull off eggplant without any work.

As far as our case goes...

So far all the kinship placements the CWs have explored have fallen through or been deemed unfit or however they term it. We were lucky in that the Uncle we were doing visits with sort of just stopped showing up so we never had to deal with any of it. I honestly don't even know if he was officially notified he was "rejected" but I think they were happy he stopped calling so they didn't have to tell him officially. There has also been a cousin and another uncle identified but we haven't heard anything back from them. "no news is good news" is sort of where we are sitting right now. We are at a point where unless some amazing magical family member pops out of the woodwork.. we feel like we are the "best option" for Lil Guy especially as he's settled in to the family. We do know however that it is common for family to show up in the final hours so we are reserving a  piece of our reserves and strength for that eventuality. I will say though.. that my prayers have drastically shifted. I am now actively and I believe with God stamp of approval.. praying that Lil Guy gets to stay. I am allowing myself to be fervent, perseverant and bold in these prayers as I truly believe we ARE the best choice, situation, at this point. I do also pray that if a family member pops up that they would be ardent believers as well, and willing to maintain contact with us as extended and Lil Guy's first family.

News on mom... She's requesting photos and potentially visits once she's "out". At first this totally freaked me out as she's been out of the picture and avoiding CPS completely. After talking with LG's caseworker though I realized this is a good thing. She still does not want custody.. doesn't believe she can be a mom.. which under the circumstances of her current addictions is the truth. I'm glad she sees it. The good thing about potential visits is the opportunity to foster some positive connection and relationship with her. She may consider relinquishing rights sooner, easier, faster if she knows us and knows LG is in a good spot.. She may also consider us in the future if further pregnancies occur. That is my biggest fear. It is my understanding she chose NOT to abort Lil Guy only because uncle said he'd take him (I'll forever be grateful to him for that selfless offer). So what about next time. That's my heart. I'm praying for her, praying for positive peaceful visits, for her salvation, for freedom from her addictions, for a full life change..I'd love to have an ongoing positive relationship with her for years to come.

Prayer requests:
-Positive visits with mom
-Continued improvement with Lil Guys allergies.. trying to get off all our allergy meds.
- That he would sleep better.. he's still waking once nightly for a bottle.
-That we would hear back from family and have a clear idea going into our termination hearings whether we will get to adopt or not. The next hearing is december.. termination court in February.
-That we would stay encouraged and peaceful about all the potential outcomes.
-That Lil Guy would continue to experience and enjoy the love of God in our home and through our church family.

Also.. sidenote... if you ever see me print his real name.. let me know.. its hard to remember. :)

Amen.

Once Hope Anchors it's Hard to Reel Back In.

Last night was rough.
Lil Guy got shots yesterday at his 6 month appointment. Here's what that means...

1) I'm grateful I'm allowed to give homeopathics (Like Hyland's Teething Tablets, or just straight Arnica Montana to help with the pain.. since we are NOT allowed to give OTC medication.. which you aren't really supposed to give anyway after shots.. but I'm pretty sure most moms do)

2) I'm also grateful for Lavender essential oils (I use Doterra. I don't worry about my babies. I slather them in this stuff. I swear its why Otto never got sick.. ok barely ever)

3)I'm grateful for husbands who wake up and make coffee and say I'm sorry that night was so rough.

4) We've had Lil Guy for SIX MONTHS and there finally SOME progression in his case.. more on that later.

5.) I'm 6 months pregnant. Because Lil guy was basically born on conception day much to our surprise. This baby is due just a few days shy of Lil Guy's 9 month birthday.

6) I basically don't sleep. Between M waking because he is 19 months, Otto waking because of nightmares or peeing through his pullup and Lil Guy's night feeding (and usually one cry back to sleep).. oh and pregnancy bladder.. I don't sleep. and I basically never will.. for like 5 years. I'm ok with that, but I do love all the starbucks and caffeination my friends provide.

7) We are halfway through the first year of Lil Guys life.. which means we are halfway to a termination hearing, halfway to the potential for adoption and halfway to hoping. And that.. is becoming more real.. and more exciting.. and more terrifying day by day.

Here's some basic information you need to know about kids in fostercare:

In the state of Texas (and most if not all other states) bioparents have 1 year to attempt reunification, complete services or show up in the case of an unknown father (like our case); CPS has one year to work the plan and search for possible kinship care if the bio parents are uninterested or not allowed due to whatever circumstances (both like our case).  Here's a link to a timeline for Texas CPS Removal of a Child.    This was super helpful to me because I couldn't believe we we JUST had our 180 day permanency hearing and we wouldn't have another for 4 months.. but I guess... that's the normal thing.

Also.. in order to adopt a child from foster care..they have to have lived with you for at least 6 months. So CHECK THAT BOX OFF!!!


As far as our situation goes..

- When they first called they asked if we would take an emergency placement that already had two family members interested in taking Lil Guy.. One who mom had already made a verbal agreement with prior to birth. Our adoption chances were super low.. but would we be willing? I was hesitant to take on a Preemie with potential medical issues and nearly zero chance of adoption.. but Justin said "We said from the start.. if they offer we accept.. and trust God with the case". So we said yes.

-One month passed with no contact from uncle (Insert tiny tentative hope anchor into my soul.)

-Month two passed and Uncle showed up.. wanting visitation and doing "everything he could as quick as he could to get Lil Guy home." Including post pictures on FB of "daddy and baby".  We struggled but it wasn't a surprise so we did our best to love Lil Guy and support Uncle in the small ways we could.

-Month Three and Four- Visits with Uncle.. kind of sporadic as he didn't show up or cancelled multiple times. He still hadn't turned in all the required paperwork to submit the home study.. and the case couldn't move forward until all that happened. Caseworkers said.. we'll know in six weeks one way or the other. Other caseworker said it was only a 50/50 chance that uncle would get him (This was a drastic change from the "most likely" scenario  we were presented with. (insert hope anchor number two into my soul)

-Month Five and Six- Uncle made some dumb mistakes, stopped showing up for visits, but started yelling Lawyer Lawyer so the caseworkers were trying to be very careful with the case.

End of month Six: CURRENT STATUS Aug 16.  Caseworkers have moved on from uncle.. but have not notified him. There is another family member who has been contacted and given a kinship packet. We have hit our minimum of time lived with us that will allow for adoption if parental rights are terminated. We have made our willingness clear. We have favor with the CASA representatives. We have favor with the case workers.



Looking forward:
The next permanency hearing is in December. At that point.. they will begin the termination of parental rights process. If there has been approved kin found... Lil Guy will be placed with them (he would restart his 6months in the home requirement with Kin and Kin will still be under watch from CPS via home visits etc as in typical foster care) If no kin is found or approved.. Termination hearing will be set. Mom and Unknown Father's rights will be terminated at the 1 year hearing (in February) and Lil Guy will be open for adoption. AND WE WILL BE THE TOP OF THE LIST!

INSERT GIANT HOPE ANCHOR.

So Here's the thing. Once Hope Anchors.. its super hard to move from that spot. A lot harder to reel back in than it is to drop. And it's incredibly humbling. And terrifying. We went from a 10% chance of adoption.. to 50%... then 75% .. and now I feel like we are somewhere between 60% to 90%. Depending on how this cousin pans out..

Last thing: We have been super lucky/blessed with our case workers. and the relatively drama free nature of this case. No childhood trauma issues, no crazy or defensive bio parents, cordial relationship with kin, fairly easy medical outcomes and developmental outcomes for Lil Guy, fairly clear case plan, favor with our workers, perfect holy timing with a million factors that only God could orchestrate so beautifully. We are only now beginning to scratch the surface of what typical foster parents endure.

I still have a heart for foster care. not just adoption... not just Lil Guy and we're done. But we will probably have to take a break after Abe is born.. just cuz.. 4 kids 4 and under = me going batty + Justin deploying next year. We will be open for Legal Risk (nearly terminated or high probability of termination of rights and thus already open or nearly open for adoption) and Adoption cases only. but probably not just foster care cases for a while.

So prayer requests:
- Still having hearts for Lil Guy's best interest.. not just our desire to adopt the lil chunk.
- Trusting God with our big boy's hearts if Lil Guy goes.
- Allowing ourselves to hope that he gets to stay with us.. and beginning to pray fervently for that outcome because we believe that it IS the best outcome that we are currently aware of.
- Allowing myself to be open to the fact that cousin could be an amazing mother/believer for Lil Guy.. and not to be prejudiced against her due to those stinky hope anchors I'm struggling to reel in.
- Prayer for the timing of potential adoptive placements, and Lil Guy's potential adoption.. in conjunction with Justin's deployment next summer.
-Prayer for Abe's birth and the transition to 4 kids 4 and under. Like.. will I survive?

Love you all!

Reassessing Hearts and Shifting My Defensive Posture.

Have you ever been watching a movie.. where there are two sides facing off. Two teams, two groups. They are all lined up against each other, ready to spring... and then suddenly someone from one team turns around and takes a stand against their now FORMER team. Ok so maybe this doesn't happen in movies all the time... in fact I had a very hard time finding any kind of graphics that would show even two teams lined up.. other than football. Which is worthless to my point. Anyway.. I feel like I'm the guy in the middle who just switched teams.


So we've had a crazy few weeks with Lil Guy and his case. We all got sick right before vacation. The bigger boys got better before we left. Lil Guy was better just by the skin of his nose. Nearly hospitalized for his cough getting so bad.. but he improved and got the AOK for travel. I got sick like 2 days before leaving.. and felt terrible still for the first day or two. But we all survived.

2 days before leaving .. I got a call from a caseworker. There was an incident. With uncle.. I'm not sure what I posted before and can't say much anyway but lets just say it put his character, safety, etc in question. He ofcourse denied it.. appalled.. So he was told to go jump through a few hoops. He hesitated just long enough for us all to doubt the truth of his denial.. which was a pretty lame one anyway. He had already had his visits diminished from 2xwk to once a week... now after not showing up two times consecutively with no phone calls, excuses or reasoning.. they are cancelled until further notice. Which means he hasn't seen Lil Guy in about a month. NONE of this looks good for him. NONE of this will help his case. He is apparently getting a lawyer.. still not sure what he'll try to use him for as I'm pretty sure the lawyer will quickly as a few basic questions: Are you doing visits? Are you showing up? Wait you did WHAT? And did you do XYZ when they suggested it? No? Then how exactly am I defending you and for what? Anyway.. thats my vent. Which I've done a lot lately.. probably more often than I should. BUT the whole ordeal was kind of hysterical.

SO as you can tell... I'm switching sides.. And the cool part is.. I'm TOTALLY at peace with it.

I really struggled with my frustration with Uncle when it all has been going down. I had stuck my neck out and gotten him more visits.. I have been driving my whole brood across town for HIS sake to let HIM get to know Lil Guy. I have assumed the best, and maintained a positive relationship as best I can. and I will continue to do that for as long as I am required. But... I feel like God has revealed enough truth about his situation, choices, heart, desires, priorities.. that I no longer feel the need to advocate for him. To give him advice. I've always been on Lil Guy's side.. but now the defensive posture is changed.. It's like I've always had Lil Guy in my arms, holding him tight to me.. and for a while I was on Uncle's side.. holding Lil Guy close but on the defensive against those prejudging uncle.. who I still respect as someone stepping up for a baby that's not his. But now I've spun.. and now I'm looking him in the eye. If he wants me on his side again.. he's got a lot of convincing to do.. and this side has a waaaay bigger team.

So I feel peaceful.. I'm ok with it. I feel like I was faithful with my attitude towards his potential reunification.. UNTIL I saw the evidence that it was NOT the best choice for Lil Guy. And I think God agrees. I've been praying about it a lot.. and I just keep hearing that there was purpose in testing my heart, purpose in building rapport, purpose in the process. So I'm hanging tight to Lil Guy. I honestly think Uncle will probably be losing his chances here shortly.. there have been red flags in a LOT of areas for him so he really needed to keep his nose clean (figuratively and literally) to have a chance.

Tomorrow is his first Permanency hearing since a few months ago when we basically knew nothing about everything. Now we know Mom is severely out of the picture (and currently in jail), Dad is still an unknown, and Uncle's... well.. not showing up. After that.. they'll have to spend the rest of the alotted year to "actively search" for other potential kin or fictive kin. So far noone else has spoken up or they have been rejected due to other CPS involvement. If at a year noone steps up, he can be freed up for adoption and we'll get first honors... So be praying tomorrow please.

That I can have continued faith in the system.. at least with our own case workers and their diligence and openness with us.

That the caseworkers truly get to see accurately all the potential pitfalls in Uncle, that God would continue to bring things to light. The whole dumb incident was a TOTAL God thing. I still can't even believe it.

That the judges, lawyers and other advocates would see the whole picture. That we would continue to have favor and that Lil Guy's improvement and flourishing is evident. That they would not fear us having 4 little ones, but see that we are able, capable, willing and waiting.

For Lil Guy, that he would continue to grow and learn, getting healthier by the day and never feel a drop of the frustration, impatience, or junk that has accompanied his case. That he'd have divine emotional healing and protection from the whole situation.

Love you guys. Pray please. And thank you.

Updates and Vacations.

I  hate bloggers who apologize for not blogging often enough. So this is me not apologizing. I am a tad busy. I'd rather spend my time with my kids (and/or netflix binging when they are napping) rather than blogging. Plus there really hasn't been much to say. Until Now

Lil Guy is hitting 4.5 months. He's Super adorable, has the best double dimples. He's starting to giggle, play with toys, smile a ton, and just today rolled front to back and is nearly back to front. He goes in waves where I start worrying about developmental delays and than surges ahead and blows us way. So for the most part we are all clear on delays. We are technically doing ECI twice a month but even they have said he's actually hit all the milestones they were worried about so for now its just for funsies and to keep tabs.

We are still having reflux/pukey baby issues but the formula switch diminished that some. Then we had another wheezy/cough bout that stuck us with another potential formula switch that went very poorly so we are back to the stuff that was working well and now we are basically treating for asthma daily. Seems a bit much but he does a lot better when he's on it all and doesn't seem to react to allergens as much. So thats good. Its scary to hear wheezy babies.

My brother in law has been in town for two weeks keeping the big boys busy.. but unfortunately sounds like he'll be leaving with the cold/cough that got the rest of us last week.

We all went on a 7 day trip together to Ruidoso, NM and Pinetop AZ. It was a blast. Lil Guy did great.. the big boys are still recuperating. I'm still fighting a head cold. And I'm feeling VERY pregnant already. Hitting 21ish weeks ( I think?). It's a boy in case you missed it. Due Mid November. Justin will be in the field for a month mid oct-mid nov so my mom and sister are coming out to hold down the fort for the home birth. It should be awesome. I think my mom is excited to be at the birth. She hasn't been able to "attend" or even be within the same state for any grandbabies yet so this is exciting.

Lil Guy Case Update:
We are still doing two hour visits twice a week. As is typical.. Uncle has no showed multiple times and is late almost every time for no apparent reason. Lil Guy's case worker was going to suggest lowering it to once a week. That hasn't happened yet. Apparently we are still waiting on uncle to get a risk assessment and home study.. all of which include some specific concerns.

The biggest event happened last week which was basically a VERY stupid mistake on uncle's part. It has been spiraling into more complications for him as he is refusing to comply with some requirements and now threatening to "lawyer up". Not really sure what he's lawyering up against. IF he was smart.. I think he would just jump through their hoops, do EVERYTHING he can to play the game and move it along.. But instead he's feeling persecuted due to his past (a past which he did not fully disclose) and is now on the defensive. Unfortunately  I think in the end it is going to hurt him more than the initial mistake.

I'm still pretty peaceful either way but losing my resolve  on the "benefit of the doubt" as things are coming out. Luckily.. praise God actually.. Lil Guy's case worker has a pretty good head on her shoulders and sees things pretty clearly. She's a good combo of tough without overreacting so hopefully she can filter through it all and make a good choice. I trust her. I trust God put her on the case.

We love this little guy with our whole hearts. We want the best for Him. We are obviously biased and think that's us.. but you know.. my kids aren't perfect, I'm not perfect. I yell, I cry, I lie, I fall apart. I am not oblivious to my sinful nature. I know our house isn't heaven either. So I'm just resting it all in God's hands and enjoying the time I've got with Lil Guy.

This crazy foster life

Picking up Lil guy from visits.  Did a crazy fast Sams run including lunch.  These boys are troopers ;)

New past coming shortly.

chubbin up lilguy... fatter feet update😍😍😍

Our First Death. RIP Roscoe.

It was Tuesday Morning that it happened.

We were outside. Me, Biggest Boy (3.5 yrs old) Big Boy (18 mos) and Roscoe (12 yr old Lab.) Lil Guy was in the playgym on the living room floor. I was quickly trying to go outside to empty the vacuum. I had both Big Boys in my sights and knew Roscoe had gone to pee on the neighbor's flowers next door. "Roscoe Come Here!" is the common refrain repeated in these instances and it happened for the last time that morning.

BOOOM.

I turned around to see my big old yellow dog sliding along the street completely limp. He had been on the receiving end of the boom. I ran the Big Boys inside, and shut the screen so I could still see and hear them. I ran out into the street and stopped oncoming traffic. Yelled to a very disgruntled neighbor asking for help to bring him to the sidewalk. He very huffily and spanish cursingly did. Then went back to his house to leave me alone. More people saw us and pulled over. Like 4 cars worth of people asking how they can help. I looked at them all and said.. I just don't know. He was limp but breathing. He had some blood near his face but nothing specific. The sound made me think it was a full body hit.. btw the car kept going and never stopped. I'd curse them as my brother in law did but in reality what would that have helped if they had.. I'd probably end up paying damages on their car. I don't think they saw him run into the street. I don't think they could've stopped. I don't think it was their fault.  It was mine. I knew better. He runs to the first human he can make friends with.

A few of the good samaritans stayed with him while I ran inside to check on the boys (who I could still hear and see) and get my phone. Praise the Lord it was Tuesday morning and 10 minutes before a whole slew of amazing women were coming to my house for Tuesday morning prayer meeting. Including our designated "fostercare" babysitter. Cars started pulling up before I even made a call. They didn't hesitate. JUST GO. WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED.

So Good Samaritan #1 asked Grumpy Mexican't to help him lift 90lb Roscoe into the backseat of my truck. And off we went. To the vet. He lasted about 5 minutes in there before they came out and asked if they should continue CPR. No. Let him go. Even if he survived, his quality of life with that weight on those limbs would be terrible. And the internal trauma was devastating too.

So home we went after signing off on cremation. They asked if I wanted his ashes. I broke down. How in the world do I explain ashes to my 3 yr old. How in the world will I explain any of this to him. Like seriously, practically, spiritually how? I was a mess. Adrenaline rush over, hormonal crash begins. Mess

So I drove home.

And walked straight to my room where I snuggled my sweet little 3 yr old onto my lap and bawled. He asked where Roscoe was. If the doctors fixed him. I said no. His body was still there but his spirit went to heaven to be with God. His body was too broken for the doctors to fix. So God took his spirit to be with him. I don't know if Dogs go to heaven. But I don't care. This was my son's first experience with real death. Not bugs, or batteries. But a loved one. He's going to understand heaven. And he's going to start to understand body vs. soul/spirit. He's going to hear it from me. I'm gonna get it right.

We spent the rest of the day replaying and replaying it. He heard me repeat it a million times as we got sweet phone calls from family and friends. They understood the loss. It was so hard. My husband came home from work for lunch (a true treasure and an uncommon one these days) and brought us pizza. He answered a few questions but we held to the truth. Roscoe ran in the street, he got hit by a car, his body was broken but his spirit went to heaven to be with God.

The repetition helped my heart. But it was still the absolute hardest part.

I am glad I had to deal with this now. I feel like I'm better prepared for conversations with foster kids. I'm sure the conversation will be VERY different, but it should be. I just hope I can hold it together better next time.

On a side note. When I called Justin and said "mumble mumble got hit by a car"... his first question was "Phyllis.. WHO got hit by a car?" .. I cannot imagine the panic of thinking it had been one of the boys. I just. I can't go there. But God is good. And God has us covered. I am grateful my standing with Him is secure, and that he has my boys.. all three.. in the palms of his hands.

Love, Faithfulness, Trust, Submission= Favor, Good Name, Straight Paths.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

Then you will win favor and a good name

in the sight of God and man.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:3-6

This has been a rollercoaster of a week. 

Monday our visit was delayed because Uncle was getting electricity in his new apartment.. which means the homestudy is going to be done shortly before potential reunification. I was happy for Uncle. Sad to feel like the possibility of Lil Guy going was becoming more real, but hopeful the process would be moving forward. 

Tuesday our dog Roscoe got hit by a car. He was 12 years old, 6 of them with Justin and I. He came to us at a time when Justin and I really needed something to bring us together at the beginning of our marriage. (If you are a newlywed and no one has ever told you this. THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE CAN BE AWFUL. You spend the year getting stripped of fleshy desires, needs and expectations until you are naked and raw and finally ready to unify with your spouse, finally ready to die to yourself in service of the other. But there is hope. Hang on, Trust God. You'll get there, and you will end up with an amazing marriage built on things that matter.. hope, grace, forgiveness..K I'm done..)  It was so hard to lose him. It was even harder explaining it to Biggest Boy. I think he understands but wow. I cried so much that day. I'm so grateful for our awesome friends who happened to be there to watch the boys while I brought the dog to the vet. 

Wednesday was basically spent cleaning as much as possible and going to Sam's Club for groceries. Our caseworker was coming Friday for a "as if I'm licensing" walk through. I was nervous. Especially since her unnannounced quarterly visit last month was a wreck. I had my med closet not only unlocked but open, and both medications were just lying around. The house was covered in laundry since I was mid laundry day and the dishes were piled. It was humiliating. So we spent most of Wednesday working on the house. Deep cleaning and recovering from the emotional turmoil of Tuesday's loss. 

Thursday morning we had a scheduled visit so the boys and I loaded up and headed to the CPS building to drop off. We sat in the waiting room just shooting the breeze with Uncle for about 20 minutes before both of us realized our worker hadn't come and neither of us had even told her we were there. It was a good relaxed convo. He shared some family medical history that shed some light on the reflux/tummy/eczema issues we've been having. Sounds like he's got an apartment to furnish and get inspected once they start the home study. 

After the visit he and the worker expressed concerns about how the spit up situation was getting "really bad" and what I thought we should do. I told them the formula was prescribed so if that was the issue we'd have to go to the Pediatrician and ask her first. So in an effort to not be flippant about his issues, I called the pediatrician's office and they had a walk in available. She decided to try a new formula, despite her reservations due to his prematurity and exposure at birth, so we are working on that now. That made for a crazy afternoon of wonky naps. We had small group later that night and I was dreading it due to the afternoon chaos but it turned out great. I communicated how sure I was Lil Guy was going with uncle and maybe sooner than later. It's bittersweet for sure. 

Friday was the big day of the walk through with our caseworker. I was a nervous wreck. Not only was she going to take pictures again.. and thus I wanted the house as neat as possible. Also I wanted to make sure all the licensing stuff was right. Besides all that we had a bomb to drop on our caseworker. We are pregnant again! Woot! And not only that but I'm like 13 weeks (we are still a bit fudgy on the dates til our 20wk ultrasound). I had been super nervous in how to tell her, when to tell her and how to communicate that we STILL want to foster Lil Guy, are nearly ready for new placements, and we REALLY want to adopt and would move mountains if a case came up. Thank the Lord for Justin. He did awesome at communicating in clear and kind language that not only are we happy we are pregnant, but that we would STILL adopt Lil Guy, and we would STILL take another placement, and that we would definitely do whatever we needed to do if a legal risk (higher likelihood of adoption) or a legally free match came up throughout Texas. I was so proud. That would mean like 5 kids in our house in the next year, with a pending deployment. He even suggested a potential for hiring a live in nanny or housekeeper to help make it work. I was in awe. 

So in the end. We had a ROUGH start with an AWESOME end. Now we have the weekend to relax. My house is clean. My hubs is amazing. My 3 boys are precious. Baby is doing well. God is SO GOOD.  

Love Faithfulness Trust Submission = Favor, Good Name and Straight Paths. 

Amen.

So he doesn't call me mommy yet...but still

Phew Month Two.

It has been a whirlwind this week! Lil guy is doing great and gaining like a champ. He's still plagued by reflux which is tough but we've troubleshooted and medicated enough its under control thank goodness. Makes tummy/playtime a bit tricky. I'm trying to work on more stimulating wake time as he reaches his 3 month birthday soon. The ceiling from his rock n play does little  and the swing puts him to sleep. His night time sleep suffers as he basically snoozes in boredom on the days we are home. I can't really carry him as much either as he'll either puke down my shirt, scream or start to hurt my back. Today we got a play gym type thing and he seemed to dig it from his back.. until he threw up like 4 times (sorry misty... I will clean it :)) due to I assume being flat on his back after eating (it had been at least 30 minutes.) We'll work it out hopefully.

As far as his case goes we are still currently pursuing unification with kin (uncle and partner). We have been doing visits and it is going well. I've been trying to engage just a little bit every time with uncle and he seems super receptive. I passed on some advice I got from Melani, a veteran foster mom I've been blessed to get to know and get wisdom from. She's a great resource on speed dial :) Thanks Melani. I told him to make sure to keep up with his paperwork and to hound the caseworkers often to keep fresh in their minds. I'm sure its easy to get lost in the shuffle. He was super receptive and was all keyed up to call his caseworker on his way home :)

Originally our visits were only an hour. With two kids in tow that's barely enough time for ME to get out of the parking lot before having to come back. Besides that it seemed counter-intuitive for bonding when baby is so little that the more minutes you've got the more recognition he'll have with family. They kept them short at first to minimize "over-stimulation" but I truly felt like it was worse to haul him in, stay for 30 minutes. Fed changed and ready to go. Besides uncle has been late a few times and they don't get to make up the time.. so the visits have really only been like 45 minutes long. I'm SO GLAD that I already have good rapport with his worker because she was super receptive to the idea of longer visits and they are stretching them to 2 hours instead of just one. Phew. So starting Thursday I'll actually get a good chunk of break time with otto for the splash pad, or lunch or groceries. And more importantly uncle will actually have a chance to settle in and bond with baby during the visit. Hopefully it goes well.

I think part of me also feels like uncle needs a taste of reality in what two hours with a newborn will be like if he starts fussing 10 minutes in :)  He doesn't get rescued in 30 minutes because the visit is magically over. And the caseworkers/assistants aren't going to step in unless there is a safety concern.

Anyway. We are waiting on a homestudy once Uncle gets his own place so hopefully they'll move things along at that point.

I am really hoping for the sake of baby and uncle that it doesn't get dragged out too long. Hopefully mom will suck it up and relinquish rights to uncle as she originally intended which would seriously speed it all up. Otherwise the poor guy will still have a fight for a while even if he gets the placement.

All in all I'm still enjoying Daniel and we are doing well with it all. I miss my sleep but hopefully if we can keep the reflux under control and get him on a better rhythm and more stimulation during the day we might be able to stretch out the night a bit. At this point every night feeding is 2-3 hours apart but only 1 ounce! I wish I had the heart to let him cry a bit. I really don't :) I tend not to till they've hit a year or so.


Please be praying for:
Continued positive relationship with Uncle
Continued positive visitations
Getting a better handle on the house management especially with regulations for licensing.. keepingup with documentation, outlets, and all the little things they are picky about.
A continued heart for Uncle and for Daniel.
Continued conversations with Otto about the whys of fostercare, visitations etc.
A prayerful heart for God's will in it all, protection and peace.

The State of My Heart.

Latest updates with Lil Guy. It looks like we will be starting visitations with Kin soon. Which is good. Honestly. I really truly feel like God has been massaging my heart over the last few weeks in preparation for this. Here is where I am at.

Two weeks ago it seemed like family was not stepping in. There were hopeful hearts for adoption. I honestly felt a little tentative about it the whole time. I am uber realistic about these types of things. And very practical. So I didn't attach myself to the possibility much. Also as much as the bonding is happening with Lil Guy I still have that feeling like I am taking care of someone else's child. I'm ok with that too. Bonding takes time without all those crazy birth hormones.

Turns out family has been TRYING to get a hold of CPS for a month in order to set up visits. Which is so sad for them. Everyone kept saying.. nobody is requesting visits... we aren't sure if they are interested or if they'll work services if they may not do visits when they get started.. Putting the judgment on them. So sad. They have been TRYING and no one was calling back I guess. So we start tomorrow with our first visit. And I am hopeful :) I am excited for the family.

Honestly. They deserve HONOR. They are not the parents. They are "standing in the gap" as much as I am and making a sacrifice of their own lives to take on a newborn. They don't deserve judgment. They don't deserve distance. They need support, and information, and hope. So I'm hopeful.

I wrote a letter to put in the visit bag with basic details on Lil Guy's medical/developmental/preferences. AND if you remember back a few posts I wanted to write something to set them at ease if they were only pushing for custody due to their fear of the foster family. This letter ended up significantly different. Here's the first bit(Name changed obviously):

Hi "Lil Guy"’s Family!

Thank you so much for stepping forward and starting visitations with Lil Guy! My husband and I truly believe God calls us to “stand in the gap” for those who are in need.. and you are answering that call as much as we are! So know that we appreciate and honor your willingness to stand in the gap for Lil Guy. He is precious and a true blessing. We are enjoying every minute we have him and do our best to care for him and communicate love and joy to him daily. My 3 year old has a job in our house. It is to make sure all our babies hear something special every day. He whispers over the crib every night “ You are safe, You are loved and You are good”.  So know that while the process begins, while the visitations seem so short, that Lil Guy is feeling loved and cared for.

A quick introduction of us. My name is Phyllis and I’m the primary caregiver as a stay at home mom.  My husband is Justin. He is a Major in the Army. We have two sons who are 3 and 1 yrs old. Lil Guy is our first foster placement. And a joy. We are licensed to Foster/Adopt and we are basically just here to serve whether that be for just fostering until reunification or adoption.  We are active in our church here in El Paso and have lived here off and on for 7 years.

 

 

So that's my heart. I want his family to have a fighting chance. So my goal is to be a light. To be so overwhelmingly supportive and loving that they see God, see grace and seek it out.

 

On a side note. If for some reason the placement doesn't work out and we do still end up adopting.. I want to be able to lean on the positive interaction and maintain a relationship for the sake of Lil Guy.

 

 

So why is this all so hard? Because it would be soooooooo easy... To be disappointed.. to be defensive... to sabotage... to be cold and apathetic... to not care. But who would that benefit? No one. Not even my crummy old soul. 

 

 

 

That Dirty Devil.

Peace Stealer. Liar. Thief. Wretch. Punk. Fool. Turd.
That's how I feel about the Devil. Now let me tell you why.


I have had a weird week. We've been fielding lots of questions about Lil Guy as we are out and about. I am not shy in saying he is foster baby.. and so people are always naturally and rightly asking if we "plan to adopt" or "hope to adopt" or whatnot. And the answer is... Meh.. Yes and No. :) and it's been kind of unnerving to realize that ....

I am TOTALLY peaceful either way. And the devil doesn't like it.

 My kids are enamored. My hubs is convinced we'll adopt and is geared towards that anyway. And I can honestly tell you right now that I adore this Lil Guy with my whole heart. He's adorable, tiny, peaceful mostly, doing well, gaining weight, making eye contact and even smiling in response to us (and not just gas) which is always heart warming.

And yet I'm honestly peaceful about him going to family if that ends up being the case.

Maybe it's still early. Maybe it will change in the future as he gets bigger and starts interacting more. Maybe I just miss my sleep. Mostly.. I'm just peaceful. I've wrestled out the trust with God. I've submitted Lil Guy to Him... and I trust that He's got him.

And the Devil is driving me bonkers.

So many things are starting to enter my lil peaceful head.

You aren't working hard enough to bond. You are just caretaking not mothering. The bottlefeeding is making it hard for you to connect. You're selfish and just want to sleep. You won't ever bond as much as your bio kids. How dare you not Love him enough to want him with everything you have. You are failing him. You are going to be exhausted, You are exhausted, You will always be exhausted. The list goes on this week.

And its obvious. Which honestly helps a bit. It's clear that the peace about the situation IS a peace that passes understanding, a peace from God that is OK. It is not a sin to be peaceful. It is not something I need to feel guilty about. It does not mean I don't care, or that I'm apathetic, or that I'm not bonding or loving or adoring this sweet Lil Guy.

But I will say this. It doesn't go over well. I have to watch how I communicate it. I have to be careful with caseworkers. There is a difficult balance. I want to show that we are supportive of kinship placement while also showing that we are bonding and loving this child so that if the courts DO decide to terminate rights and kin doesn't step up that we are FIRST in line for adoption.

If it comes down to it.. and family doesn't work out. We are ABSOLUTELY interested, dying to adopt him.

Someone asked me the other day. Is it hard not to get your hopes up to adopt him? I honestly had no answer.. I mean.. its kind of complicated. Are my hopes up that NO family members want him? That his mom and dad are gone and out of the picture? That his life will begin with abandonment and then family being judged unworthy.. or deciding they don't want him either? No..my hopes are not up for that. My heart breaks for that.

Which is where I stand now. My hopes are up that I'll be able to tell this little one that his family wanted him.. that they worked for it... and that they adopted him. Or that they tried their best to maintain a relationship even when the state decided they couldn't adopt... or that by some miracle his mom finds Christ, gets clean, changes her whole life around and takes him into her arms as the whole person she could be and loves him forever as God first hoped for. That is my hope. The likelihood is low. But God can do anything. My heart aches for the mom, the unknowing father, the young uncle who's trying to work his life out to make it happen despite his past problems, the grandma who has already taken on mom's other kids but isn't sure if she can handle more. My heart aches for them all.

So by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving.. I am presenting my requests to God.

For the salvation of Mom, Dad, Uncle, Grandma.
For reunification, Restoration, Adoption.
For a life of Love no matter where he ends up.
For a full life without trauma and hurt for Lil Guy.
For a peaceful, love filled start in our home for Lil Guy.
For the wisdom and perception of the case workers, lawyers, judges, CASAs in his case.
For mercy, and grace, patience and hope in the midst of all the chaos.
And for a peaceful untainted heart in the midst of the turmoil, judgment, processing and patience.

Amen.

Staying Grounded.

Lil Guy has finally started gaining weight.. I think. We had to switch formula for a bit.. which I think the reflux/gas meds in hopes to keep it all in check. I think I figured out that the powdered formula version of the Enfacare for preemies basically turns into foam if you shake it.. which is basically just bubbles.... and thus gas.. So I'm going to try to make it without the foam.. or make it and let it sit in the refrigerator to settle a bit and see if that makes a difference. That Nutramigen stuff smelled like old cheese.. it was terrible. He grimaced every time he'd start drinking. Yuck. Anyway so hopefully we'll get back on track with the Hi Cal and get his weight up. He is gaining just veery slowly.

One piece of great news is that ECI decided he doesn't qualify for services at this point.. meaning he's doing so well he won't need therapy or anything yet. We'll get an eval at the Border Children's Clinic which specializes in "special situation" type babies... which being drug exposed qualifies him for that program. So they'll check him in a few months and we'll keep an eye on developmental milestones just in case.

Our first visit from caseworkers/legal and I think a CASA is coming up on Tuesday.. a week or so before his courtdate to finalize the case plan. So I'll get a bit more info on what their plan is for kin/visitation etc. Hopefully I'll be able to find out if anyone is in fact going to work for the placement or not. So that rollercoaster will be beginning soon.



A friend asked me yesterday how.. in the midst of the emotional turmoil.. do I stay grounded.

Honestly I feel a bit silly because we are so new to all this that there hasn't been a ton of turmoil yet. We haven't experienced courts and visitations and the back and forth of the foster care system that I know so many of you other foster parents have experienced. I do feel like we've gotten a taste.. and I do feel like I know what I'll be needing in the future

So I have been thinking a lot about that since she asked. My answer was a bit simple.. too simple maybe.

 I told her that I've tried to stay in the Word and cling to the verses that specifically speak of God being the Father to the Fatherless. Trying to align myself with HIS heart for the fatherless. His heart for Lil Guy.  It is truly sad to consider the fact that this poor Lil Guy truly is Fatherless, and Motherless to some degree. Abandoned. There are family in the mix that may step up. Or not. But for him.. God is his...

DEFENDER
He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. Deut 10:18


But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. Ps. 10:14

FATHER
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. Ps 68:5

WE are called to be:

DEFENDERS
Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.Ps 82:3

PROVIDERS
When you have finished setting aside a tenth of all your produce in the third year, the year of the tithe, you shall give it to the Levite, the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow, so that they may eat in your towns and be satisfied. Deut 26:12

CAREGIVERS
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27


It's heartbreaking to know that this Lil Guy fits all of those categories. Fatherless. Orphan. etc. 

In the meantime we are doing our best to make sure he does not feel the void.

I also told my friend I am trying to love as intensely as I can.. but with a loose grip. I will not cling to Lil Guy, and refuse to trust he is First a child of God, and then my foster son. This is true of my own children as well. The tighter I hold on to them, the more God will have to pry my hands open. The harder I'll have to fight Him.. which is not comfortable. And not peaceful. So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to find the balance. Trying to live out the call .. defender, provider, caregiver. Essentially... be a mom. I can do that.


Everyone gets swept in a whirlwind in some way... at some point.. so..

How do you stay grounded?

When "Kin" isn't perfect, but God ALWAYS IS.

This sweet lil guy is stealing our hearts by the minute. And it is scary.. I know in my head that this lil guy is potentially headed to a kinship placement and that that can be a GOOD thing. Especially when theoretical kin is angelic and perfect.

It is easy to comprehend the fallibility and imperfection of bio parents.. Obviously they just had their kids taken and placed in foster care.. so they  have work to do. I am for them and their hard work.

Kin is different for some reason. I guess I have this expectation of sweet uncle or sweet grandma stepping into the gap to take on in sacrificial love the kid that their family was unable to keep well and safe. That they would be better.

The truth is they are human too. Their reasons for desiring the child may not be as pure as I would hope. I just read a clip of a statement by a kinship placement that they are willing SO THAT THE CHILD WON"T GO INTO THE FOSTER SYSTEM. Which I totally understand. It would be crappy. Sometimes.

Here's the thing though.. This foster home is awesome :) This foster child is in a family that loves and adores and takes care of him. This foster home is dedicated. This foster home is not to be feared.

Would that change their mind? If they knew the child was safe and loved, would they withdraw their application? I would hope not.. I would hope that their desire was beyond fear of the alternative. But what if it wasn't. How can I best communicate how much we are FOR them if they really truly want to raise this child as their own, as a priority, as a gift.. and how much we are also FOR the child and would be willing to adopt if they are just trying to keep him out of the system.

I would hate for that to be the case. I would also hate for them to never get the chance to realize our hearts for both reunification AND for adoption.

So what would you do? I know I've heard of foster parents who include a letter of introduction to the foster family in the visit books. I would love to be able to actually get to know the kin rather than just pass the baton baby at visits.. I don't know how feasible that is. Or realistic. Or smart.

Here's the thing though.. The thing God keeps ringing through my head.. Lil Guy is HIS. Not mine. No matter who's family he goes to. God is in control. God will call his heart, God will place people in His life to lead Him to the narrow path, to the Christ I didn't even know til I was 11. Even if Lil Guy ends up in a terrible place ALL I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR IS THE TIME HE IS WITH US.

So here's my plan. PRAY, SING, SPEAK TRUTH, READ and FILL this kid with as much love and Spirit as I can while he's in my care. And then TRUST:

That God's Word does not come back VOID.
That His Spirit is Active
That Jesus is Alive and ever present from the beginning.

Maybe some day Lil Guy will hear a song that rings a bell in his soul from a time of peace and love that he can barely remember. Maybe he'll seek that out again.

I trust he will find Him. I trust if I sow the seeds, God will water them.

So. Now I'm on a mission. And now I'm realizing how I was NOT on mission for every minute with my own biological sons. I took for granted the time I had with them. But the truth is I might not have that with them. If something happens to Justin and I.. our kids will grow up in a different home, with their own "kinship placement" and I will have to trust (from heaven) that:

That God's Word does not come back VOID.
That His Spirit is Active
That Jesus is Alive and ever present from the beginning.

May I be more actively working for the souls of my sons.

Case Status Update:
First case plan meeting between caseworkers and kin is tomorrow. It should let them know what their expectations are for the services they'll have to do before placement. It will also hopefully delineate a visitation guideline. That should then go to court in April and become court ordered.

Health Update:
Baby Boy is gaining so well! He's over the 6lb mark and hits his one month birthday TOMORROW!
He's getting some chubby cheeks which is encouraging to see. Dr got us RX's for Gas drops and rash ointment. Nice to have it. Just got make sure to document it. And on that note I need to go scan in some papers for my caseworker. :)

And baby boy is crying now :) So much for that.

newborn pics!!!

Until I do some stickering and blurring These are the two shots I've got for you :) I posted a few stickered on facebook. Liz Houser did such an awesome job.. and free. I'm excited to have some nice shots for the family and for the life book. I'll send a set on visits to the family too. We always do newborn shots with our kiddos and so I didn't want to leave Lil Guy out and regret it later!

The past few nights have been tiring but we are doing ok. Having some gas issues I think. I have to wait for the Pediatrician Friday to give me a solution other than burping and Dr Browns. I'm hoping it isn't just the powder vs the Ready to Use botttle... has anyone ever had that issue?

Mountains Moving Already..and the financials.

We got in to WIC yesterday praise the Lord. After I told them about our situation they said it could take a few weeks for an appointment. Gulp. But that they'd try and help us out. Phew. They ended up calling back and getting me in the next day! Awesome!

Now don't get me wrong.. we can afford formula for little guy.. we are not strapped for cash to care for him... but these are resources already in place and we'd like to optimize the reimbursement we get for caring for him. By that I mean that if he DOES reunite.. I want to know that I've stewarded the reimbursement as best I can.. and send him off with as much as I can. So we don't buy lots of brand new, and we will use discounts and coupons at every turn. Sometimes I feel selfish.. or like I'm trying to make a buck. Like I'll use as little of the reimbursement as possible by taking donations, WIC etc and avoid buying things for him. I know deep down that's not true but I know the opinion is out there too. I've already heard and felt it a bit. So here's the reality of the financials in case you are wondering:

The state of Texas DFPS pays foster parents:

$23.10 per day.

As a reimbursement for care, necessities and expenses. Meaning not upfront. Meaning we are paying out of pocket until the first check arrives. So let's do the math. If Lil Guy stays for a month... we will be reimbursed:  $23.10 x 30 days= $693. That sounds like a lot!

So far our base expenses.. not including mileage, gas, childcare for my boys as I go to appointments, the night I spent in the NICU before the placement, etc.

Medicine Prescription: $52
OTC Meds: Varies but not covered by Medicaid usually
Lotion, baby wash, etc: $10
Diapers: $34 per box
Formula before WIC: $18 per can (WIC will provide 7-10 cans per month based on age. Each can currently lasts 42 feedings 8x per day. or about 5 days. so 35 days for now. He'll be eating more soon. plus waste when a bottle isn't finished)

Bottles: $25 after getting some donated too.
Rock N Play: $20. (we have a crib already.. but had to evict Micaiah to a pack n play for the time being. He'll be moving in to Otto's queen bed as soon as I can train him)

Clothing: $20 used preemie stuff. I have plenty of newborn clothes to share. If he reunites with Kin I'll send him home with 6 months of the next sizes of clothing. I'll buy new or used (not ours) and send it with him. probably $50-70.

This is all I can think of right now but that's over $200 and he's been here about 4 days :)
That is after LOTS of donations and already having a lot to share from my boys.. Including a car seat which can easily be upwards of $75 if we aren't going for the cheapest possible.

So I'm not bragging.. I'm not complaining.. I'm just being clear. I know some of you are considering fostering in the future and its important to know the details when making the decisions.

The thing our caseworkers drilled into us at PRIDE was that we are expected to provide for every need and hopefully want.  Also it is super important to set the child up for success upon reunification. I have been super encouraged by that mindset. Send them to visits prepared, peaceful and provided for. Not hungry without snacks, or sleepy without naps. As best as possible to make the visit successful..Why set up a kin or parent for failure? It would be a selfish SO SELFISH thing to do. And also a temptation. But that's fodder for a whole other post!!!

Settling In Update

Things are going well with sweet Lil Guy.

Our rooming in went well... discharge was lengthy but easy.. and then we were home.

Otto is completely enamored and SUPER helpful. Micaiah just squeaks, pets and walks away. And covets every bottle he gets. He's barely ever taken his own bottle but now he's begging for the leftovers. Gross. :)

Lil guy was a little overwhelmed day one and had a few stretches of overly stimulated wake time, but we did better day two (Thursday). Justin came home early and learned how to bottle feed. Basically Otto showed him where everything was and how to do it :) I think it both humbled and encouraged Justin. Justin is now in charge of the midnight feeding so we can each get a 5-6 hour stretch every night. It worked great. He did awesome.

We were told by our caseworker that despite the minimum standards allowing infants under one to have their bed be a pack n play that they are saying NO. Soo.. Micaiah is moving in with Otto. He just started sleeping through the night in his crib.. and now HE is in the Pack n Play in Ottos room. I'm hoping to just shift him to Otto's bed once they learn how to fall asleep without bugging each other.

We made it to WIC on Thursday.. and the Pediatrician on Friday. We are hoping for ECI and Border Children's referrals to hit by Monday so we can start those checkups too. He'll probably have a weekly weigh in for a few months alternating between the Pediatrician, ECI and Border Children's to make sure he's Thriving. WIC made miracles happen and got us our first benefits appt tomorrow. They had been saying the wait was a month.. but moved a mountain for us since he's a foster and a preemie. THANK YOU WIC!

Lil Guy is the cutest.. tiny sweet and a good eater AND sleeper. Given that's pretty much all he's got energy for :) I still am kind of amazed at how incredibly tiny he.is compared to my chubby boys.. but I'm getting used to it.

Thank you for all the prayers!

Oxytocin high, NICU nurses rock, and cutest baby feet ever.

Many thanks to Misty for being willing to watch my boys. I have been abusing the fact that my kids feel so very at home with her. She's become a second mother of sorts. I understand because I totally love her kids in that way too. It's a blessing to have that, and super rare for a military family. So thanks Misty..

Also Keri for being so willing to jump through hoops for us and watch our kids and foster kids as well.

On to the baby love.

Got to the NICU around 5pm last night. Had to wash and gown up. Get a security band and wind my way through what seemed to be a very crowded space of incubators and the tiniest of babes covered in wires and tubes and sweet little swaddles. Nurses were busy bees flitting from nest flower to flower checking on their sweet lil people. It was a beautiful site. Moms were gowned and snuggling their wired up littles, some trying to nurse or at least feed breastmilk. One mom brought in a bottle of like a 1/4 oz. All I could think was how hard she had worked for that, and what pure gold it would be to that baby. Which switched my brain to business.. because I am not allowed to give breastmilk to foster babies.. not even certified donor milk via a milkbank. What a shame.

I was brought to a bassinet (not an incubator, but an open bassinet. There was a crocheted blanket over top to I'm sure limit stimulation and lights. A nurse was sitting in a chair charting and I was introduced as foster mom to Baby Boy Chavez (Not really his name. but you get the idea.. He'll still be Lil Guy on here). At that point I wasn't sure if he had been given a real name.

She updated me on his history, his full name (yay.. and a great strong name). She walked me through some of the details with the moms situation that she was aware of as well as the Kin. I was still not sure if he was ever notified.

Good news was that his medical history shows he was in really great shape and really only in the NICU for respitory distress. He wasn't even born that small, they actually think he was closer to 34 or 35 weeks.. not 32.

She surprised me by saying baby is basically ready for discharge pending a carseat test, an overnight room in and the prescription he needs. I said great.. wait what? So tonight I'll be staying at the hospital.. basically to show them I can feed a baby every 3 hours. Which is significantly easier in my opinion than my to breastfeeders.. try every 1.5 hours. For an hour each feeding. And the best part is JUSTIN CAN HELP! He gets to snuggle and feed at LEAST once a night.. which means I could potentially get 6 hours of sleep at night! Assuming I go to bed at 9:30.

I got to stay for the 6pm feeding after having snuggled this tiny lil froggy baby. I wanted to cry changing his diaper.. he was saggy baggy elephant for sure. But he was super cute. and I was riding high on the oxytocin waves. I almost passed out when I left. For real. Hormones are hilarious.

At about 6:15 I hear from behind me a bunch of spanish I couldve understood if I had been listening and I overheard last name of the baby. I was facing the wall and did not see the man speaking.. but my understanding of the whole ordeal was that he was there to visit.. he did not have his security bracelet or his ID.. So they weren't letting him in.. but he knew the ID number.. wasn't that sufficient? The nurse quickly escorted the man out as I creepily stared at the wall. I was not about to introduce myself if he was still unaware of the situation with CPS. So thanks to the nurse's quick thinking he was escorted out.

I hope he comes back to visit today.

I hope he doesn't come back Wednesday AFTER discharge to find out the baby has been taken.

I hope he is told the situation and WORKS HARD to get all the details covered.

I hope he doesn't do something stupid to kill his chances.

And here's the moment you've all been waiting for. Well sort of.. this was already on Facebook. I'll post more pics tomorrow night. Obviously.. I can post face pictures.. for condfentiality purposes.. but I sure can post ears and fuzzy hair.. THE FUZZIEST! etc.

Visiting!

Just got word I get to go visit today! I'll post a pic later (can't post face pics.. but I'm sure I can share a sweet feet shot :)


Talked to the social worker at the hospital. Identified Kin has been visiting (which is good) but was UNAWARE OF THE PLACEMENT IN FOSTER CARE. Awesome. So he's been buying stuff apparently. Which makes me happy for him and sad for him at the same time. I don't think he knows the reality of the situation. Mom saying "you can have him" on a whim is NOT a legally binding contract for parenthood.

My heart honestly goes out to the guy. I sure hope he can take the placement with humility and patience. It is in the best interest of baby to have the background checks and home studies completed. I hope he can see that. I don't know if I run into him.. but I sure hope if I do he gets that I'm FOR him.. if he is FOR Lil Guy. My understanding was that the process could take weeks. Not days. So who knows.

Lil Guy is coming!

Disclaimer.. this could change. I am pretty used to it from military life.. but at this point I'm very hopeful that the following is true.

Lil Guy is going to be our first placement! We heard from J and got a little bit more detail about the case. Mom will most likely not be given rights back though she still has the one year period to request visits and consideration. There is a kinship placement being worked but there's very few details about the actual situation there so who knows. I will never be one to say I hope it doesn't work out.. I know the goal of foster care is reunification.. as it should be.. with either bio parents or with kinship placement.

 It should be HARD to take kids from their parents.
 Even if their parents are a mess.
 Even if their parents disappear without a trace.
 Even if their parents have previous kids in the system.
 Even if their parents are addicts.
 Even if their parents didn't show up for visits.
 Even if their parents show up at the end of the year hoping for a chance.
 Even if they needed time to work it all out.
 It should be the HARDEST thing a court can do.

So the hope is that Lil Guy.. who is legitimately unnamed still which makes my heart cry... will be discharged this week some time. He's doing exceptionally well given his circumstances. They want us to start visiting as soon as we can to start bonding with him.

It's kind of hard. He sort of seems unreal. Like its partially hard to digest that this tiny little 4lb human is all alone (except for what I am sure is exceptionally attentive nursing staff) in this big hospital with noone to say.. you are mine! It's also hard that I don't really get to say that yet either! So what will I say? Probably what I tell both my boys every night before they go to bed...

You are safe.
You are loved.
And you are good.

Sometimes over and over until they settle into sleep.
Sometimes once is all that is needed.

I am trying to think of what I would do had this been an adoption setting. Not just foster care. I think I would be fighting to get in there for visitation. Waiting very anxiously for the chance to see this new baby of ours. I would be there every waking minute of visitation. To hold and feed and snuggle and talk to.

So why do I feel less inclined this time? Is that callous? Is it just still hard to swallow? Am I putting the needs of my kids before this unknown baby (certainly, to some degree yes. )

So what does that mean? Should I shift that attitude? Should I wait to meet him and see if it changes? I don't know. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty. But I will say this. I am thinking and dreaming of what he looks like. I can't wait to meet him. Just like when my boys were born.

So be praying for us:
That bonding goes well.
That the boys can visit and get used to the idea.
That I can visit more than infrequently.
That the nurses are awesome and understanding.. and helpful to this clueless to preemie/bottlefeeder babies.
Pray for a heart for this child no matter how long or short he stays.
And pray for God's kindness in the kinship placement... or lack therof.

Visiting Humblyburg. Humbletown. Humbleville. Humbleton?

Still waiting to hear from J about Lil Guy and whether he'll be our first emergency placement or not. ... Meanwhile I will be researching. Preemies, Drug Addicted babies. And I'l be listing.. What would I potentially need to go buy if we get a preemie (Lil Guy or later).  Our potential respite boy in a few weeks (assuming we don't get Lil Guy as a placement) is 15 months and we have EVERYTHING we could EVER need for a toddler boy. So that's easy. Newborns are pretty easy too.. but.. not bottlefeeding itty bitty preemies. And So...


Here's my humble moment of the day.... I've babysat ALOT (That's not the humble part). I've workers in nurseries.. I'm great with babies. I've raised two... But the one thing I'm clueless on???

 Formula.

I am a La Leche League Leader. I know just about everything there is to know about breastfeeding. From personal experience to the nearly 50+ moms I've troubleshooted the quirks with.

But I have never bottle fed. I have left a bottle for our awesome babysitter every once in a while.. but it was always breastmilk. I've tried in desperation or last resort a sample tube of toddler transitions formula. But that's about it. So I am clueless. Like SERIOUSLY clueless. And it feels terrible.

Breastfeeding was fairly easy for me. Minus tongue tie, thrush, engorgement, mastitis, plugged ducts, and just overall getting wrecked. :) It was free, portable and fairly hassle free once it all settled into normal. Now I'm faced with a conundrum. Do I fake it til I make it? Or do I ask for help.

I'm an asker... so here's my ask... Where do I start? is there a bottlefeeding for dummies book?

Licensed and Already in the Adventure!

Thursday was my birthday and our official Licensing Day! March 3, 2016. We are a foster/adopt home!  My husband was at work so I had Otto and Micaiah home with me. Our home developer J is pretty awesome so far. After signing all the paperwork and making a vague comment about being willing to do Respite and Emergency placements she was all excited and had a question for us....

Would we be willing to do a two week respite for a little boy in about two weeks.. 15 months old.. already in foster care for a few months. Fostermom has something medical to take care of. He's in daycare so I have the choice of bringing him to daycare daily and the worker will handle visits OR keep him home and do transpo to visits myself. We said YES! A perfect trial run, practice run what have you. And good timing for my potential shoulder surgery I'm dreading. I'll be able to do the respite before surgery, then do surgery and take a break before the next placement. BAM. We had our first placement set.

Then.. Today.. I get another call from J.
J: Can you clarify a few things for me?
Me: Sure
J: Would you be willing to do emergency care?
Me: Sure! I think so.
J: Would you be willing to take a baby who tested positive?
Me: Tested positive for what exactly? (Thinking HIV.. which I would have to think about)
J: So here's the situation...
Me: Ok... Lets hear it!
J: We have a baby coming into care for XYZ reasons, Preemie born at 32 wks, Still at the hospital getting care for XYZ reasons. {The term Narco Baby.. was used.. which made me want to cry... we got details on the exact situation... obviously can't share them here} The baby may be released later this week.. We would obviously love for whatever family takes the placement to go to the hospital and start the bonding process. There are family identified that would be getting visits. We'll know more after some time.
Me: Uhhhhh.... Ok
J: Obviously we want you to talk to your husband.
Me: Uhhhhhh...... Ok.
J: This would mean NOT taking the respite placement obviously.
Me: Right. Ok. So.. {Insert my telling her about my shoulder appt monday and possible surgery situation and why the timing for the respite was good.. but that I still wasn't sure and and and.. let me talk to my husband.} So we will EITHER do the respite, or the emergency placement. I can tell you which on Monday.
J: GREAT!

Oh Kay. So welcome to the rollercoaster. FOR REAL. And I thought the military life was dramatic.

I started praying real hard right then. That's actually a lie. I basically stared at a wall for about ten minutes working on the right thing to pray. I wanted to love on that sweet lonely in the hospital baby right then and there. I was unsure of Justin's reaction. I figured he would want to go with the "safe" two week respite as our first placement.

I was wrong. He said let's do it. I love that man. "I do not want to get into the habit of saying NO. This is what we wanted. Are we just going to hope for another newborn placement after surgery then run out of time? Let's do it"

We said yes to the emergency.. Assuming we hear back from our caseworker this weekend.. We will be delaying my surgery. And will probably have a preemie newborn by the end of the week. Um. Ok. Thank you Lord. Please miraculously heal whatever tweak is wrong with my shoulder. Or at least keep it at its current OKness. And please get J to call us back sooner than later. It was very anticlimactic to text her Yes to the Emergency and get NO response. I mean isn't she on call 24/7/365? Ok fine. Maybe not :)

So I'm totally ok with whatever happens. I'm totally terrible at keeping my mouth shut in the meantime. I told people I was pregnant two minutes after the stick had two stripes. I texted pictures to my sister. I can't keep news in. I'm a processor. Gah. So anyway. I WILL be discrete about details.. but man.. this is the life we chose and its only been TWO DAYS. I'm beyond thrilled. And freaked. And terrified.

You can pray for us these ways:
That J would confirm the placement
That Lil Guy would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That our TWO would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That I'll not overthink/overplan/overshop... and that I can be patient.
That my doctor on Monday will NOT say... YOU NEED SURGERY NOW.
That we can visit Lil Guy this week.. and that the boys can come too..