chubbin up lilguy... fatter feet update😍😍😍

Our First Death. RIP Roscoe.

It was Tuesday Morning that it happened.

We were outside. Me, Biggest Boy (3.5 yrs old) Big Boy (18 mos) and Roscoe (12 yr old Lab.) Lil Guy was in the playgym on the living room floor. I was quickly trying to go outside to empty the vacuum. I had both Big Boys in my sights and knew Roscoe had gone to pee on the neighbor's flowers next door. "Roscoe Come Here!" is the common refrain repeated in these instances and it happened for the last time that morning.

BOOOM.

I turned around to see my big old yellow dog sliding along the street completely limp. He had been on the receiving end of the boom. I ran the Big Boys inside, and shut the screen so I could still see and hear them. I ran out into the street and stopped oncoming traffic. Yelled to a very disgruntled neighbor asking for help to bring him to the sidewalk. He very huffily and spanish cursingly did. Then went back to his house to leave me alone. More people saw us and pulled over. Like 4 cars worth of people asking how they can help. I looked at them all and said.. I just don't know. He was limp but breathing. He had some blood near his face but nothing specific. The sound made me think it was a full body hit.. btw the car kept going and never stopped. I'd curse them as my brother in law did but in reality what would that have helped if they had.. I'd probably end up paying damages on their car. I don't think they saw him run into the street. I don't think they could've stopped. I don't think it was their fault.  It was mine. I knew better. He runs to the first human he can make friends with.

A few of the good samaritans stayed with him while I ran inside to check on the boys (who I could still hear and see) and get my phone. Praise the Lord it was Tuesday morning and 10 minutes before a whole slew of amazing women were coming to my house for Tuesday morning prayer meeting. Including our designated "fostercare" babysitter. Cars started pulling up before I even made a call. They didn't hesitate. JUST GO. WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED.

So Good Samaritan #1 asked Grumpy Mexican't to help him lift 90lb Roscoe into the backseat of my truck. And off we went. To the vet. He lasted about 5 minutes in there before they came out and asked if they should continue CPR. No. Let him go. Even if he survived, his quality of life with that weight on those limbs would be terrible. And the internal trauma was devastating too.

So home we went after signing off on cremation. They asked if I wanted his ashes. I broke down. How in the world do I explain ashes to my 3 yr old. How in the world will I explain any of this to him. Like seriously, practically, spiritually how? I was a mess. Adrenaline rush over, hormonal crash begins. Mess

So I drove home.

And walked straight to my room where I snuggled my sweet little 3 yr old onto my lap and bawled. He asked where Roscoe was. If the doctors fixed him. I said no. His body was still there but his spirit went to heaven to be with God. His body was too broken for the doctors to fix. So God took his spirit to be with him. I don't know if Dogs go to heaven. But I don't care. This was my son's first experience with real death. Not bugs, or batteries. But a loved one. He's going to understand heaven. And he's going to start to understand body vs. soul/spirit. He's going to hear it from me. I'm gonna get it right.

We spent the rest of the day replaying and replaying it. He heard me repeat it a million times as we got sweet phone calls from family and friends. They understood the loss. It was so hard. My husband came home from work for lunch (a true treasure and an uncommon one these days) and brought us pizza. He answered a few questions but we held to the truth. Roscoe ran in the street, he got hit by a car, his body was broken but his spirit went to heaven to be with God.

The repetition helped my heart. But it was still the absolute hardest part.

I am glad I had to deal with this now. I feel like I'm better prepared for conversations with foster kids. I'm sure the conversation will be VERY different, but it should be. I just hope I can hold it together better next time.

On a side note. When I called Justin and said "mumble mumble got hit by a car"... his first question was "Phyllis.. WHO got hit by a car?" .. I cannot imagine the panic of thinking it had been one of the boys. I just. I can't go there. But God is good. And God has us covered. I am grateful my standing with Him is secure, and that he has my boys.. all three.. in the palms of his hands.

Love, Faithfulness, Trust, Submission= Favor, Good Name, Straight Paths.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

Then you will win favor and a good name

in the sight of God and man.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:3-6

This has been a rollercoaster of a week. 

Monday our visit was delayed because Uncle was getting electricity in his new apartment.. which means the homestudy is going to be done shortly before potential reunification. I was happy for Uncle. Sad to feel like the possibility of Lil Guy going was becoming more real, but hopeful the process would be moving forward. 

Tuesday our dog Roscoe got hit by a car. He was 12 years old, 6 of them with Justin and I. He came to us at a time when Justin and I really needed something to bring us together at the beginning of our marriage. (If you are a newlywed and no one has ever told you this. THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE CAN BE AWFUL. You spend the year getting stripped of fleshy desires, needs and expectations until you are naked and raw and finally ready to unify with your spouse, finally ready to die to yourself in service of the other. But there is hope. Hang on, Trust God. You'll get there, and you will end up with an amazing marriage built on things that matter.. hope, grace, forgiveness..K I'm done..)  It was so hard to lose him. It was even harder explaining it to Biggest Boy. I think he understands but wow. I cried so much that day. I'm so grateful for our awesome friends who happened to be there to watch the boys while I brought the dog to the vet. 

Wednesday was basically spent cleaning as much as possible and going to Sam's Club for groceries. Our caseworker was coming Friday for a "as if I'm licensing" walk through. I was nervous. Especially since her unnannounced quarterly visit last month was a wreck. I had my med closet not only unlocked but open, and both medications were just lying around. The house was covered in laundry since I was mid laundry day and the dishes were piled. It was humiliating. So we spent most of Wednesday working on the house. Deep cleaning and recovering from the emotional turmoil of Tuesday's loss. 

Thursday morning we had a scheduled visit so the boys and I loaded up and headed to the CPS building to drop off. We sat in the waiting room just shooting the breeze with Uncle for about 20 minutes before both of us realized our worker hadn't come and neither of us had even told her we were there. It was a good relaxed convo. He shared some family medical history that shed some light on the reflux/tummy/eczema issues we've been having. Sounds like he's got an apartment to furnish and get inspected once they start the home study. 

After the visit he and the worker expressed concerns about how the spit up situation was getting "really bad" and what I thought we should do. I told them the formula was prescribed so if that was the issue we'd have to go to the Pediatrician and ask her first. So in an effort to not be flippant about his issues, I called the pediatrician's office and they had a walk in available. She decided to try a new formula, despite her reservations due to his prematurity and exposure at birth, so we are working on that now. That made for a crazy afternoon of wonky naps. We had small group later that night and I was dreading it due to the afternoon chaos but it turned out great. I communicated how sure I was Lil Guy was going with uncle and maybe sooner than later. It's bittersweet for sure. 

Friday was the big day of the walk through with our caseworker. I was a nervous wreck. Not only was she going to take pictures again.. and thus I wanted the house as neat as possible. Also I wanted to make sure all the licensing stuff was right. Besides all that we had a bomb to drop on our caseworker. We are pregnant again! Woot! And not only that but I'm like 13 weeks (we are still a bit fudgy on the dates til our 20wk ultrasound). I had been super nervous in how to tell her, when to tell her and how to communicate that we STILL want to foster Lil Guy, are nearly ready for new placements, and we REALLY want to adopt and would move mountains if a case came up. Thank the Lord for Justin. He did awesome at communicating in clear and kind language that not only are we happy we are pregnant, but that we would STILL adopt Lil Guy, and we would STILL take another placement, and that we would definitely do whatever we needed to do if a legal risk (higher likelihood of adoption) or a legally free match came up throughout Texas. I was so proud. That would mean like 5 kids in our house in the next year, with a pending deployment. He even suggested a potential for hiring a live in nanny or housekeeper to help make it work. I was in awe. 

So in the end. We had a ROUGH start with an AWESOME end. Now we have the weekend to relax. My house is clean. My hubs is amazing. My 3 boys are precious. Baby is doing well. God is SO GOOD.  

Love Faithfulness Trust Submission = Favor, Good Name and Straight Paths. 

Amen.

So he doesn't call me mommy yet...but still

Phew Month Two.

It has been a whirlwind this week! Lil guy is doing great and gaining like a champ. He's still plagued by reflux which is tough but we've troubleshooted and medicated enough its under control thank goodness. Makes tummy/playtime a bit tricky. I'm trying to work on more stimulating wake time as he reaches his 3 month birthday soon. The ceiling from his rock n play does little  and the swing puts him to sleep. His night time sleep suffers as he basically snoozes in boredom on the days we are home. I can't really carry him as much either as he'll either puke down my shirt, scream or start to hurt my back. Today we got a play gym type thing and he seemed to dig it from his back.. until he threw up like 4 times (sorry misty... I will clean it :)) due to I assume being flat on his back after eating (it had been at least 30 minutes.) We'll work it out hopefully.

As far as his case goes we are still currently pursuing unification with kin (uncle and partner). We have been doing visits and it is going well. I've been trying to engage just a little bit every time with uncle and he seems super receptive. I passed on some advice I got from Melani, a veteran foster mom I've been blessed to get to know and get wisdom from. She's a great resource on speed dial :) Thanks Melani. I told him to make sure to keep up with his paperwork and to hound the caseworkers often to keep fresh in their minds. I'm sure its easy to get lost in the shuffle. He was super receptive and was all keyed up to call his caseworker on his way home :)

Originally our visits were only an hour. With two kids in tow that's barely enough time for ME to get out of the parking lot before having to come back. Besides that it seemed counter-intuitive for bonding when baby is so little that the more minutes you've got the more recognition he'll have with family. They kept them short at first to minimize "over-stimulation" but I truly felt like it was worse to haul him in, stay for 30 minutes. Fed changed and ready to go. Besides uncle has been late a few times and they don't get to make up the time.. so the visits have really only been like 45 minutes long. I'm SO GLAD that I already have good rapport with his worker because she was super receptive to the idea of longer visits and they are stretching them to 2 hours instead of just one. Phew. So starting Thursday I'll actually get a good chunk of break time with otto for the splash pad, or lunch or groceries. And more importantly uncle will actually have a chance to settle in and bond with baby during the visit. Hopefully it goes well.

I think part of me also feels like uncle needs a taste of reality in what two hours with a newborn will be like if he starts fussing 10 minutes in :)  He doesn't get rescued in 30 minutes because the visit is magically over. And the caseworkers/assistants aren't going to step in unless there is a safety concern.

Anyway. We are waiting on a homestudy once Uncle gets his own place so hopefully they'll move things along at that point.

I am really hoping for the sake of baby and uncle that it doesn't get dragged out too long. Hopefully mom will suck it up and relinquish rights to uncle as she originally intended which would seriously speed it all up. Otherwise the poor guy will still have a fight for a while even if he gets the placement.

All in all I'm still enjoying Daniel and we are doing well with it all. I miss my sleep but hopefully if we can keep the reflux under control and get him on a better rhythm and more stimulation during the day we might be able to stretch out the night a bit. At this point every night feeding is 2-3 hours apart but only 1 ounce! I wish I had the heart to let him cry a bit. I really don't :) I tend not to till they've hit a year or so.


Please be praying for:
Continued positive relationship with Uncle
Continued positive visitations
Getting a better handle on the house management especially with regulations for licensing.. keepingup with documentation, outlets, and all the little things they are picky about.
A continued heart for Uncle and for Daniel.
Continued conversations with Otto about the whys of fostercare, visitations etc.
A prayerful heart for God's will in it all, protection and peace.