Reassessing Hearts and Shifting My Defensive Posture.

Have you ever been watching a movie.. where there are two sides facing off. Two teams, two groups. They are all lined up against each other, ready to spring... and then suddenly someone from one team turns around and takes a stand against their now FORMER team. Ok so maybe this doesn't happen in movies all the time... in fact I had a very hard time finding any kind of graphics that would show even two teams lined up.. other than football. Which is worthless to my point. Anyway.. I feel like I'm the guy in the middle who just switched teams.


So we've had a crazy few weeks with Lil Guy and his case. We all got sick right before vacation. The bigger boys got better before we left. Lil Guy was better just by the skin of his nose. Nearly hospitalized for his cough getting so bad.. but he improved and got the AOK for travel. I got sick like 2 days before leaving.. and felt terrible still for the first day or two. But we all survived.

2 days before leaving .. I got a call from a caseworker. There was an incident. With uncle.. I'm not sure what I posted before and can't say much anyway but lets just say it put his character, safety, etc in question. He ofcourse denied it.. appalled.. So he was told to go jump through a few hoops. He hesitated just long enough for us all to doubt the truth of his denial.. which was a pretty lame one anyway. He had already had his visits diminished from 2xwk to once a week... now after not showing up two times consecutively with no phone calls, excuses or reasoning.. they are cancelled until further notice. Which means he hasn't seen Lil Guy in about a month. NONE of this looks good for him. NONE of this will help his case. He is apparently getting a lawyer.. still not sure what he'll try to use him for as I'm pretty sure the lawyer will quickly as a few basic questions: Are you doing visits? Are you showing up? Wait you did WHAT? And did you do XYZ when they suggested it? No? Then how exactly am I defending you and for what? Anyway.. thats my vent. Which I've done a lot lately.. probably more often than I should. BUT the whole ordeal was kind of hysterical.

SO as you can tell... I'm switching sides.. And the cool part is.. I'm TOTALLY at peace with it.

I really struggled with my frustration with Uncle when it all has been going down. I had stuck my neck out and gotten him more visits.. I have been driving my whole brood across town for HIS sake to let HIM get to know Lil Guy. I have assumed the best, and maintained a positive relationship as best I can. and I will continue to do that for as long as I am required. But... I feel like God has revealed enough truth about his situation, choices, heart, desires, priorities.. that I no longer feel the need to advocate for him. To give him advice. I've always been on Lil Guy's side.. but now the defensive posture is changed.. It's like I've always had Lil Guy in my arms, holding him tight to me.. and for a while I was on Uncle's side.. holding Lil Guy close but on the defensive against those prejudging uncle.. who I still respect as someone stepping up for a baby that's not his. But now I've spun.. and now I'm looking him in the eye. If he wants me on his side again.. he's got a lot of convincing to do.. and this side has a waaaay bigger team.

So I feel peaceful.. I'm ok with it. I feel like I was faithful with my attitude towards his potential reunification.. UNTIL I saw the evidence that it was NOT the best choice for Lil Guy. And I think God agrees. I've been praying about it a lot.. and I just keep hearing that there was purpose in testing my heart, purpose in building rapport, purpose in the process. So I'm hanging tight to Lil Guy. I honestly think Uncle will probably be losing his chances here shortly.. there have been red flags in a LOT of areas for him so he really needed to keep his nose clean (figuratively and literally) to have a chance.

Tomorrow is his first Permanency hearing since a few months ago when we basically knew nothing about everything. Now we know Mom is severely out of the picture (and currently in jail), Dad is still an unknown, and Uncle's... well.. not showing up. After that.. they'll have to spend the rest of the alotted year to "actively search" for other potential kin or fictive kin. So far noone else has spoken up or they have been rejected due to other CPS involvement. If at a year noone steps up, he can be freed up for adoption and we'll get first honors... So be praying tomorrow please.

That I can have continued faith in the system.. at least with our own case workers and their diligence and openness with us.

That the caseworkers truly get to see accurately all the potential pitfalls in Uncle, that God would continue to bring things to light. The whole dumb incident was a TOTAL God thing. I still can't even believe it.

That the judges, lawyers and other advocates would see the whole picture. That we would continue to have favor and that Lil Guy's improvement and flourishing is evident. That they would not fear us having 4 little ones, but see that we are able, capable, willing and waiting.

For Lil Guy, that he would continue to grow and learn, getting healthier by the day and never feel a drop of the frustration, impatience, or junk that has accompanied his case. That he'd have divine emotional healing and protection from the whole situation.

Love you guys. Pray please. And thank you.

Updates and Vacations.

I  hate bloggers who apologize for not blogging often enough. So this is me not apologizing. I am a tad busy. I'd rather spend my time with my kids (and/or netflix binging when they are napping) rather than blogging. Plus there really hasn't been much to say. Until Now

Lil Guy is hitting 4.5 months. He's Super adorable, has the best double dimples. He's starting to giggle, play with toys, smile a ton, and just today rolled front to back and is nearly back to front. He goes in waves where I start worrying about developmental delays and than surges ahead and blows us way. So for the most part we are all clear on delays. We are technically doing ECI twice a month but even they have said he's actually hit all the milestones they were worried about so for now its just for funsies and to keep tabs.

We are still having reflux/pukey baby issues but the formula switch diminished that some. Then we had another wheezy/cough bout that stuck us with another potential formula switch that went very poorly so we are back to the stuff that was working well and now we are basically treating for asthma daily. Seems a bit much but he does a lot better when he's on it all and doesn't seem to react to allergens as much. So thats good. Its scary to hear wheezy babies.

My brother in law has been in town for two weeks keeping the big boys busy.. but unfortunately sounds like he'll be leaving with the cold/cough that got the rest of us last week.

We all went on a 7 day trip together to Ruidoso, NM and Pinetop AZ. It was a blast. Lil Guy did great.. the big boys are still recuperating. I'm still fighting a head cold. And I'm feeling VERY pregnant already. Hitting 21ish weeks ( I think?). It's a boy in case you missed it. Due Mid November. Justin will be in the field for a month mid oct-mid nov so my mom and sister are coming out to hold down the fort for the home birth. It should be awesome. I think my mom is excited to be at the birth. She hasn't been able to "attend" or even be within the same state for any grandbabies yet so this is exciting.

Lil Guy Case Update:
We are still doing two hour visits twice a week. As is typical.. Uncle has no showed multiple times and is late almost every time for no apparent reason. Lil Guy's case worker was going to suggest lowering it to once a week. That hasn't happened yet. Apparently we are still waiting on uncle to get a risk assessment and home study.. all of which include some specific concerns.

The biggest event happened last week which was basically a VERY stupid mistake on uncle's part. It has been spiraling into more complications for him as he is refusing to comply with some requirements and now threatening to "lawyer up". Not really sure what he's lawyering up against. IF he was smart.. I think he would just jump through their hoops, do EVERYTHING he can to play the game and move it along.. But instead he's feeling persecuted due to his past (a past which he did not fully disclose) and is now on the defensive. Unfortunately  I think in the end it is going to hurt him more than the initial mistake.

I'm still pretty peaceful either way but losing my resolve  on the "benefit of the doubt" as things are coming out. Luckily.. praise God actually.. Lil Guy's case worker has a pretty good head on her shoulders and sees things pretty clearly. She's a good combo of tough without overreacting so hopefully she can filter through it all and make a good choice. I trust her. I trust God put her on the case.

We love this little guy with our whole hearts. We want the best for Him. We are obviously biased and think that's us.. but you know.. my kids aren't perfect, I'm not perfect. I yell, I cry, I lie, I fall apart. I am not oblivious to my sinful nature. I know our house isn't heaven either. So I'm just resting it all in God's hands and enjoying the time I've got with Lil Guy.