This sweet lil guy is stealing our hearts by the minute. And it is scary.. I know in my head that this lil guy is potentially headed to a kinship placement and that that can be a GOOD thing. Especially when theoretical kin is angelic and perfect.
It is easy to comprehend the fallibility and imperfection of bio parents.. Obviously they just had their kids taken and placed in foster care.. so they have work to do. I am for them and their hard work.
Kin is different for some reason. I guess I have this expectation of sweet uncle or sweet grandma stepping into the gap to take on in sacrificial love the kid that their family was unable to keep well and safe. That they would be better.
The truth is they are human too. Their reasons for desiring the child may not be as pure as I would hope. I just read a clip of a statement by a kinship placement that they are willing SO THAT THE CHILD WON"T GO INTO THE FOSTER SYSTEM. Which I totally understand. It would be crappy. Sometimes.
Here's the thing though.. This foster home is awesome :) This foster child is in a family that loves and adores and takes care of him. This foster home is dedicated. This foster home is not to be feared.
Would that change their mind? If they knew the child was safe and loved, would they withdraw their application? I would hope not.. I would hope that their desire was beyond fear of the alternative. But what if it wasn't. How can I best communicate how much we are FOR them if they really truly want to raise this child as their own, as a priority, as a gift.. and how much we are also FOR the child and would be willing to adopt if they are just trying to keep him out of the system.
I would hate for that to be the case. I would also hate for them to never get the chance to realize our hearts for both reunification AND for adoption.
So what would you do? I know I've heard of foster parents who include a letter of introduction to the foster family in the visit books. I would love to be able to actually get to know the kin rather than just pass the baton baby at visits.. I don't know how feasible that is. Or realistic. Or smart.
Here's the thing though.. The thing God keeps ringing through my head.. Lil Guy is HIS. Not mine. No matter who's family he goes to. God is in control. God will call his heart, God will place people in His life to lead Him to the narrow path, to the Christ I didn't even know til I was 11. Even if Lil Guy ends up in a terrible place ALL I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR IS THE TIME HE IS WITH US.
So here's my plan. PRAY, SING, SPEAK TRUTH, READ and FILL this kid with as much love and Spirit as I can while he's in my care. And then TRUST:
That God's Word does not come back VOID.
That His Spirit is Active
That Jesus is Alive and ever present from the beginning.
Maybe some day Lil Guy will hear a song that rings a bell in his soul from a time of peace and love that he can barely remember. Maybe he'll seek that out again.
I trust he will find Him. I trust if I sow the seeds, God will water them.
So. Now I'm on a mission. And now I'm realizing how I was NOT on mission for every minute with my own biological sons. I took for granted the time I had with them. But the truth is I might not have that with them. If something happens to Justin and I.. our kids will grow up in a different home, with their own "kinship placement" and I will have to trust (from heaven) that:
That God's Word does not come back VOID.
That His Spirit is Active
That Jesus is Alive and ever present from the beginning.
May I be more actively working for the souls of my sons.
Case Status Update:
First case plan meeting between caseworkers and kin is tomorrow. It should let them know what their expectations are for the services they'll have to do before placement. It will also hopefully delineate a visitation guideline. That should then go to court in April and become court ordered.
Health Update:
Baby Boy is gaining so well! He's over the 6lb mark and hits his one month birthday TOMORROW!
He's getting some chubby cheeks which is encouraging to see. Dr got us RX's for Gas drops and rash ointment. Nice to have it. Just got make sure to document it. And on that note I need to go scan in some papers for my caseworker. :)
And baby boy is crying now :) So much for that.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
newborn pics!!!
Until I do some stickering and blurring These are the two shots I've got for you :) I posted a few stickered on facebook. Liz Houser did such an awesome job.. and free. I'm excited to have some nice shots for the family and for the life book. I'll send a set on visits to the family too. We always do newborn shots with our kiddos and so I didn't want to leave Lil Guy out and regret it later!
The past few nights have been tiring but we are doing ok. Having some gas issues I think. I have to wait for the Pediatrician Friday to give me a solution other than burping and Dr Browns. I'm hoping it isn't just the powder vs the Ready to Use botttle... has anyone ever had that issue?
The past few nights have been tiring but we are doing ok. Having some gas issues I think. I have to wait for the Pediatrician Friday to give me a solution other than burping and Dr Browns. I'm hoping it isn't just the powder vs the Ready to Use botttle... has anyone ever had that issue?
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Mountains Moving Already..and the financials.
We got in to WIC yesterday praise the Lord. After I told them about our situation they said it could take a few weeks for an appointment. Gulp. But that they'd try and help us out. Phew. They ended up calling back and getting me in the next day! Awesome!
Now don't get me wrong.. we can afford formula for little guy.. we are not strapped for cash to care for him... but these are resources already in place and we'd like to optimize the reimbursement we get for caring for him. By that I mean that if he DOES reunite.. I want to know that I've stewarded the reimbursement as best I can.. and send him off with as much as I can. So we don't buy lots of brand new, and we will use discounts and coupons at every turn. Sometimes I feel selfish.. or like I'm trying to make a buck. Like I'll use as little of the reimbursement as possible by taking donations, WIC etc and avoid buying things for him. I know deep down that's not true but I know the opinion is out there too. I've already heard and felt it a bit. So here's the reality of the financials in case you are wondering:
The state of Texas DFPS pays foster parents:
$23.10 per day.
As a reimbursement for care, necessities and expenses. Meaning not upfront. Meaning we are paying out of pocket until the first check arrives. So let's do the math. If Lil Guy stays for a month... we will be reimbursed: $23.10 x 30 days= $693. That sounds like a lot!
So far our base expenses.. not including mileage, gas, childcare for my boys as I go to appointments, the night I spent in the NICU before the placement, etc.
Medicine Prescription: $52
OTC Meds: Varies but not covered by Medicaid usually
Lotion, baby wash, etc: $10
Diapers: $34 per box
Formula before WIC: $18 per can (WIC will provide 7-10 cans per month based on age. Each can currently lasts 42 feedings 8x per day. or about 5 days. so 35 days for now. He'll be eating more soon. plus waste when a bottle isn't finished)
Bottles: $25 after getting some donated too.
Rock N Play: $20. (we have a crib already.. but had to evict Micaiah to a pack n play for the time being. He'll be moving in to Otto's queen bed as soon as I can train him)
Clothing: $20 used preemie stuff. I have plenty of newborn clothes to share. If he reunites with Kin I'll send him home with 6 months of the next sizes of clothing. I'll buy new or used (not ours) and send it with him. probably $50-70.
This is all I can think of right now but that's over $200 and he's been here about 4 days :)
That is after LOTS of donations and already having a lot to share from my boys.. Including a car seat which can easily be upwards of $75 if we aren't going for the cheapest possible.
So I'm not bragging.. I'm not complaining.. I'm just being clear. I know some of you are considering fostering in the future and its important to know the details when making the decisions.
The thing our caseworkers drilled into us at PRIDE was that we are expected to provide for every need and hopefully want. Also it is super important to set the child up for success upon reunification. I have been super encouraged by that mindset. Send them to visits prepared, peaceful and provided for. Not hungry without snacks, or sleepy without naps. As best as possible to make the visit successful..Why set up a kin or parent for failure? It would be a selfish SO SELFISH thing to do. And also a temptation. But that's fodder for a whole other post!!!
Now don't get me wrong.. we can afford formula for little guy.. we are not strapped for cash to care for him... but these are resources already in place and we'd like to optimize the reimbursement we get for caring for him. By that I mean that if he DOES reunite.. I want to know that I've stewarded the reimbursement as best I can.. and send him off with as much as I can. So we don't buy lots of brand new, and we will use discounts and coupons at every turn. Sometimes I feel selfish.. or like I'm trying to make a buck. Like I'll use as little of the reimbursement as possible by taking donations, WIC etc and avoid buying things for him. I know deep down that's not true but I know the opinion is out there too. I've already heard and felt it a bit. So here's the reality of the financials in case you are wondering:
The state of Texas DFPS pays foster parents:
$23.10 per day.
As a reimbursement for care, necessities and expenses. Meaning not upfront. Meaning we are paying out of pocket until the first check arrives. So let's do the math. If Lil Guy stays for a month... we will be reimbursed: $23.10 x 30 days= $693. That sounds like a lot!
So far our base expenses.. not including mileage, gas, childcare for my boys as I go to appointments, the night I spent in the NICU before the placement, etc.
Medicine Prescription: $52
OTC Meds: Varies but not covered by Medicaid usually
Lotion, baby wash, etc: $10
Diapers: $34 per box
Formula before WIC: $18 per can (WIC will provide 7-10 cans per month based on age. Each can currently lasts 42 feedings 8x per day. or about 5 days. so 35 days for now. He'll be eating more soon. plus waste when a bottle isn't finished)
Bottles: $25 after getting some donated too.
Rock N Play: $20. (we have a crib already.. but had to evict Micaiah to a pack n play for the time being. He'll be moving in to Otto's queen bed as soon as I can train him)
Clothing: $20 used preemie stuff. I have plenty of newborn clothes to share. If he reunites with Kin I'll send him home with 6 months of the next sizes of clothing. I'll buy new or used (not ours) and send it with him. probably $50-70.
This is all I can think of right now but that's over $200 and he's been here about 4 days :)
That is after LOTS of donations and already having a lot to share from my boys.. Including a car seat which can easily be upwards of $75 if we aren't going for the cheapest possible.
So I'm not bragging.. I'm not complaining.. I'm just being clear. I know some of you are considering fostering in the future and its important to know the details when making the decisions.
The thing our caseworkers drilled into us at PRIDE was that we are expected to provide for every need and hopefully want. Also it is super important to set the child up for success upon reunification. I have been super encouraged by that mindset. Send them to visits prepared, peaceful and provided for. Not hungry without snacks, or sleepy without naps. As best as possible to make the visit successful..Why set up a kin or parent for failure? It would be a selfish SO SELFISH thing to do. And also a temptation. But that's fodder for a whole other post!!!
Friday, March 11, 2016
Settling In Update
Things are going well with sweet Lil Guy.
Our rooming in went well... discharge was lengthy but easy.. and then we were home.
Otto is completely enamored and SUPER helpful. Micaiah just squeaks, pets and walks away. And covets every bottle he gets. He's barely ever taken his own bottle but now he's begging for the leftovers. Gross. :)
Lil guy was a little overwhelmed day one and had a few stretches of overly stimulated wake time, but we did better day two (Thursday). Justin came home early and learned how to bottle feed. Basically Otto showed him where everything was and how to do it :) I think it both humbled and encouraged Justin. Justin is now in charge of the midnight feeding so we can each get a 5-6 hour stretch every night. It worked great. He did awesome.
We were told by our caseworker that despite the minimum standards allowing infants under one to have their bed be a pack n play that they are saying NO. Soo.. Micaiah is moving in with Otto. He just started sleeping through the night in his crib.. and now HE is in the Pack n Play in Ottos room. I'm hoping to just shift him to Otto's bed once they learn how to fall asleep without bugging each other.
We made it to WIC on Thursday.. and the Pediatrician on Friday. We are hoping for ECI and Border Children's referrals to hit by Monday so we can start those checkups too. He'll probably have a weekly weigh in for a few months alternating between the Pediatrician, ECI and Border Children's to make sure he's Thriving. WIC made miracles happen and got us our first benefits appt tomorrow. They had been saying the wait was a month.. but moved a mountain for us since he's a foster and a preemie. THANK YOU WIC!
Lil Guy is the cutest.. tiny sweet and a good eater AND sleeper. Given that's pretty much all he's got energy for :) I still am kind of amazed at how incredibly tiny he.is compared to my chubby boys.. but I'm getting used to it.
Thank you for all the prayers!
Our rooming in went well... discharge was lengthy but easy.. and then we were home.
Otto is completely enamored and SUPER helpful. Micaiah just squeaks, pets and walks away. And covets every bottle he gets. He's barely ever taken his own bottle but now he's begging for the leftovers. Gross. :)
Lil guy was a little overwhelmed day one and had a few stretches of overly stimulated wake time, but we did better day two (Thursday). Justin came home early and learned how to bottle feed. Basically Otto showed him where everything was and how to do it :) I think it both humbled and encouraged Justin. Justin is now in charge of the midnight feeding so we can each get a 5-6 hour stretch every night. It worked great. He did awesome.
We were told by our caseworker that despite the minimum standards allowing infants under one to have their bed be a pack n play that they are saying NO. Soo.. Micaiah is moving in with Otto. He just started sleeping through the night in his crib.. and now HE is in the Pack n Play in Ottos room. I'm hoping to just shift him to Otto's bed once they learn how to fall asleep without bugging each other.
We made it to WIC on Thursday.. and the Pediatrician on Friday. We are hoping for ECI and Border Children's referrals to hit by Monday so we can start those checkups too. He'll probably have a weekly weigh in for a few months alternating between the Pediatrician, ECI and Border Children's to make sure he's Thriving. WIC made miracles happen and got us our first benefits appt tomorrow. They had been saying the wait was a month.. but moved a mountain for us since he's a foster and a preemie. THANK YOU WIC!
Lil Guy is the cutest.. tiny sweet and a good eater AND sleeper. Given that's pretty much all he's got energy for :) I still am kind of amazed at how incredibly tiny he.is compared to my chubby boys.. but I'm getting used to it.
Thank you for all the prayers!
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Oxytocin high, NICU nurses rock, and cutest baby feet ever.
Many thanks to Misty for being willing to watch my boys. I have been abusing the fact that my kids feel so very at home with her. She's become a second mother of sorts. I understand because I totally love her kids in that way too. It's a blessing to have that, and super rare for a military family. So thanks Misty..
Also Keri for being so willing to jump through hoops for us and watch our kids and foster kids as well.
On to the baby love.
Got to the NICU around 5pm last night. Had to wash and gown up. Get a security band and wind my way through what seemed to be a very crowded space of incubators and the tiniest of babes covered in wires and tubes and sweet little swaddles. Nurses were busy bees flitting from nest flower to flower checking on their sweet lil people. It was a beautiful site. Moms were gowned and snuggling their wired up littles, some trying to nurse or at least feed breastmilk. One mom brought in a bottle of like a 1/4 oz. All I could think was how hard she had worked for that, and what pure gold it would be to that baby. Which switched my brain to business.. because I am not allowed to give breastmilk to foster babies.. not even certified donor milk via a milkbank. What a shame.
I was brought to a bassinet (not an incubator, but an open bassinet. There was a crocheted blanket over top to I'm sure limit stimulation and lights. A nurse was sitting in a chair charting and I was introduced as foster mom to Baby Boy Chavez (Not really his name. but you get the idea.. He'll still be Lil Guy on here). At that point I wasn't sure if he had been given a real name.
She updated me on his history, his full name (yay.. and a great strong name). She walked me through some of the details with the moms situation that she was aware of as well as the Kin. I was still not sure if he was ever notified.
Good news was that his medical history shows he was in really great shape and really only in the NICU for respitory distress. He wasn't even born that small, they actually think he was closer to 34 or 35 weeks.. not 32.
She surprised me by saying baby is basically ready for discharge pending a carseat test, an overnight room in and the prescription he needs. I said great.. wait what? So tonight I'll be staying at the hospital.. basically to show them I can feed a baby every 3 hours. Which is significantly easier in my opinion than my to breastfeeders.. try every 1.5 hours. For an hour each feeding. And the best part is JUSTIN CAN HELP! He gets to snuggle and feed at LEAST once a night.. which means I could potentially get 6 hours of sleep at night! Assuming I go to bed at 9:30.
I got to stay for the 6pm feeding after having snuggled this tiny lil froggy baby. I wanted to cry changing his diaper.. he was saggy baggy elephant for sure. But he was super cute. and I was riding high on the oxytocin waves. I almost passed out when I left. For real. Hormones are hilarious.
At about 6:15 I hear from behind me a bunch of spanish I couldve understood if I had been listening and I overheard last name of the baby. I was facing the wall and did not see the man speaking.. but my understanding of the whole ordeal was that he was there to visit.. he did not have his security bracelet or his ID.. So they weren't letting him in.. but he knew the ID number.. wasn't that sufficient? The nurse quickly escorted the man out as I creepily stared at the wall. I was not about to introduce myself if he was still unaware of the situation with CPS. So thanks to the nurse's quick thinking he was escorted out.
I hope he comes back to visit today.
I hope he doesn't come back Wednesday AFTER discharge to find out the baby has been taken.
I hope he is told the situation and WORKS HARD to get all the details covered.
I hope he doesn't do something stupid to kill his chances.
And here's the moment you've all been waiting for. Well sort of.. this was already on Facebook. I'll post more pics tomorrow night. Obviously.. I can post face pictures.. for condfentiality purposes.. but I sure can post ears and fuzzy hair.. THE FUZZIEST! etc.
Also Keri for being so willing to jump through hoops for us and watch our kids and foster kids as well.
On to the baby love.
Got to the NICU around 5pm last night. Had to wash and gown up. Get a security band and wind my way through what seemed to be a very crowded space of incubators and the tiniest of babes covered in wires and tubes and sweet little swaddles. Nurses were busy bees flitting from nest flower to flower checking on their sweet lil people. It was a beautiful site. Moms were gowned and snuggling their wired up littles, some trying to nurse or at least feed breastmilk. One mom brought in a bottle of like a 1/4 oz. All I could think was how hard she had worked for that, and what pure gold it would be to that baby. Which switched my brain to business.. because I am not allowed to give breastmilk to foster babies.. not even certified donor milk via a milkbank. What a shame.
I was brought to a bassinet (not an incubator, but an open bassinet. There was a crocheted blanket over top to I'm sure limit stimulation and lights. A nurse was sitting in a chair charting and I was introduced as foster mom to Baby Boy Chavez (Not really his name. but you get the idea.. He'll still be Lil Guy on here). At that point I wasn't sure if he had been given a real name.
She updated me on his history, his full name (yay.. and a great strong name). She walked me through some of the details with the moms situation that she was aware of as well as the Kin. I was still not sure if he was ever notified.
Good news was that his medical history shows he was in really great shape and really only in the NICU for respitory distress. He wasn't even born that small, they actually think he was closer to 34 or 35 weeks.. not 32.
She surprised me by saying baby is basically ready for discharge pending a carseat test, an overnight room in and the prescription he needs. I said great.. wait what? So tonight I'll be staying at the hospital.. basically to show them I can feed a baby every 3 hours. Which is significantly easier in my opinion than my to breastfeeders.. try every 1.5 hours. For an hour each feeding. And the best part is JUSTIN CAN HELP! He gets to snuggle and feed at LEAST once a night.. which means I could potentially get 6 hours of sleep at night! Assuming I go to bed at 9:30.
I got to stay for the 6pm feeding after having snuggled this tiny lil froggy baby. I wanted to cry changing his diaper.. he was saggy baggy elephant for sure. But he was super cute. and I was riding high on the oxytocin waves. I almost passed out when I left. For real. Hormones are hilarious.
At about 6:15 I hear from behind me a bunch of spanish I couldve understood if I had been listening and I overheard last name of the baby. I was facing the wall and did not see the man speaking.. but my understanding of the whole ordeal was that he was there to visit.. he did not have his security bracelet or his ID.. So they weren't letting him in.. but he knew the ID number.. wasn't that sufficient? The nurse quickly escorted the man out as I creepily stared at the wall. I was not about to introduce myself if he was still unaware of the situation with CPS. So thanks to the nurse's quick thinking he was escorted out.
I hope he comes back to visit today.
I hope he doesn't come back Wednesday AFTER discharge to find out the baby has been taken.
I hope he is told the situation and WORKS HARD to get all the details covered.
I hope he doesn't do something stupid to kill his chances.
And here's the moment you've all been waiting for. Well sort of.. this was already on Facebook. I'll post more pics tomorrow night. Obviously.. I can post face pictures.. for condfentiality purposes.. but I sure can post ears and fuzzy hair.. THE FUZZIEST! etc.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Visiting!
Just got word I get to go visit today! I'll post a pic later (can't post face pics.. but I'm sure I can share a sweet feet shot :)
Talked to the social worker at the hospital. Identified Kin has been visiting (which is good) but was UNAWARE OF THE PLACEMENT IN FOSTER CARE. Awesome. So he's been buying stuff apparently. Which makes me happy for him and sad for him at the same time. I don't think he knows the reality of the situation. Mom saying "you can have him" on a whim is NOT a legally binding contract for parenthood.
My heart honestly goes out to the guy. I sure hope he can take the placement with humility and patience. It is in the best interest of baby to have the background checks and home studies completed. I hope he can see that. I don't know if I run into him.. but I sure hope if I do he gets that I'm FOR him.. if he is FOR Lil Guy. My understanding was that the process could take weeks. Not days. So who knows.
Talked to the social worker at the hospital. Identified Kin has been visiting (which is good) but was UNAWARE OF THE PLACEMENT IN FOSTER CARE. Awesome. So he's been buying stuff apparently. Which makes me happy for him and sad for him at the same time. I don't think he knows the reality of the situation. Mom saying "you can have him" on a whim is NOT a legally binding contract for parenthood.
My heart honestly goes out to the guy. I sure hope he can take the placement with humility and patience. It is in the best interest of baby to have the background checks and home studies completed. I hope he can see that. I don't know if I run into him.. but I sure hope if I do he gets that I'm FOR him.. if he is FOR Lil Guy. My understanding was that the process could take weeks. Not days. So who knows.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Lil Guy is coming!
Disclaimer.. this could change. I am pretty used to it from military life.. but at this point I'm very hopeful that the following is true.
Lil Guy is going to be our first placement! We heard from J and got a little bit more detail about the case. Mom will most likely not be given rights back though she still has the one year period to request visits and consideration. There is a kinship placement being worked but there's very few details about the actual situation there so who knows. I will never be one to say I hope it doesn't work out.. I know the goal of foster care is reunification.. as it should be.. with either bio parents or with kinship placement.
It should be HARD to take kids from their parents.
Even if their parents are a mess.
Even if their parents disappear without a trace.
Even if their parents have previous kids in the system.
Even if their parents are addicts.
Even if their parents didn't show up for visits.
Even if their parents show up at the end of the year hoping for a chance.
Even if they needed time to work it all out.
It should be the HARDEST thing a court can do.
So the hope is that Lil Guy.. who is legitimately unnamed still which makes my heart cry... will be discharged this week some time. He's doing exceptionally well given his circumstances. They want us to start visiting as soon as we can to start bonding with him.
It's kind of hard. He sort of seems unreal. Like its partially hard to digest that this tiny little 4lb human is all alone (except for what I am sure is exceptionally attentive nursing staff) in this big hospital with noone to say.. you are mine! It's also hard that I don't really get to say that yet either! So what will I say? Probably what I tell both my boys every night before they go to bed...
You are safe.
You are loved.
And you are good.
Sometimes over and over until they settle into sleep.
Sometimes once is all that is needed.
I am trying to think of what I would do had this been an adoption setting. Not just foster care. I think I would be fighting to get in there for visitation. Waiting very anxiously for the chance to see this new baby of ours. I would be there every waking minute of visitation. To hold and feed and snuggle and talk to.
So why do I feel less inclined this time? Is that callous? Is it just still hard to swallow? Am I putting the needs of my kids before this unknown baby (certainly, to some degree yes. )
So what does that mean? Should I shift that attitude? Should I wait to meet him and see if it changes? I don't know. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty. But I will say this. I am thinking and dreaming of what he looks like. I can't wait to meet him. Just like when my boys were born.
So be praying for us:
That bonding goes well.
That the boys can visit and get used to the idea.
That I can visit more than infrequently.
That the nurses are awesome and understanding.. and helpful to this clueless to preemie/bottlefeeder babies.
Pray for a heart for this child no matter how long or short he stays.
And pray for God's kindness in the kinship placement... or lack therof.
Lil Guy is going to be our first placement! We heard from J and got a little bit more detail about the case. Mom will most likely not be given rights back though she still has the one year period to request visits and consideration. There is a kinship placement being worked but there's very few details about the actual situation there so who knows. I will never be one to say I hope it doesn't work out.. I know the goal of foster care is reunification.. as it should be.. with either bio parents or with kinship placement.
It should be HARD to take kids from their parents.
Even if their parents are a mess.
Even if their parents disappear without a trace.
Even if their parents have previous kids in the system.
Even if their parents are addicts.
Even if their parents didn't show up for visits.
Even if their parents show up at the end of the year hoping for a chance.
Even if they needed time to work it all out.
It should be the HARDEST thing a court can do.
So the hope is that Lil Guy.. who is legitimately unnamed still which makes my heart cry... will be discharged this week some time. He's doing exceptionally well given his circumstances. They want us to start visiting as soon as we can to start bonding with him.
It's kind of hard. He sort of seems unreal. Like its partially hard to digest that this tiny little 4lb human is all alone (except for what I am sure is exceptionally attentive nursing staff) in this big hospital with noone to say.. you are mine! It's also hard that I don't really get to say that yet either! So what will I say? Probably what I tell both my boys every night before they go to bed...
You are safe.
You are loved.
And you are good.
Sometimes over and over until they settle into sleep.
Sometimes once is all that is needed.
I am trying to think of what I would do had this been an adoption setting. Not just foster care. I think I would be fighting to get in there for visitation. Waiting very anxiously for the chance to see this new baby of ours. I would be there every waking minute of visitation. To hold and feed and snuggle and talk to.
So why do I feel less inclined this time? Is that callous? Is it just still hard to swallow? Am I putting the needs of my kids before this unknown baby (certainly, to some degree yes. )
So what does that mean? Should I shift that attitude? Should I wait to meet him and see if it changes? I don't know. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty. But I will say this. I am thinking and dreaming of what he looks like. I can't wait to meet him. Just like when my boys were born.
So be praying for us:
That bonding goes well.
That the boys can visit and get used to the idea.
That I can visit more than infrequently.
That the nurses are awesome and understanding.. and helpful to this clueless to preemie/bottlefeeder babies.
Pray for a heart for this child no matter how long or short he stays.
And pray for God's kindness in the kinship placement... or lack therof.
Visiting Humblyburg. Humbletown. Humbleville. Humbleton?
Still waiting to hear from J about Lil Guy and whether he'll be our first emergency placement or not. ... Meanwhile I will be researching. Preemies, Drug Addicted babies. And I'l be listing.. What would I potentially need to go buy if we get a preemie (Lil Guy or later). Our potential respite boy in a few weeks (assuming we don't get Lil Guy as a placement) is 15 months and we have EVERYTHING we could EVER need for a toddler boy. So that's easy. Newborns are pretty easy too.. but.. not bottlefeeding itty bitty preemies. And So...
Here's my humble moment of the day.... I've babysat ALOT (That's not the humble part). I've workers in nurseries.. I'm great with babies. I've raised two... But the one thing I'm clueless on???
Formula.
I am a La Leche League Leader. I know just about everything there is to know about breastfeeding. From personal experience to the nearly 50+ moms I've troubleshooted the quirks with.
But I have never bottle fed. I have left a bottle for our awesome babysitter every once in a while.. but it was always breastmilk. I've tried in desperation or last resort a sample tube of toddler transitions formula. But that's about it. So I am clueless. Like SERIOUSLY clueless. And it feels terrible.
Breastfeeding was fairly easy for me. Minus tongue tie, thrush, engorgement, mastitis, plugged ducts, and just overall getting wrecked. :) It was free, portable and fairly hassle free once it all settled into normal. Now I'm faced with a conundrum. Do I fake it til I make it? Or do I ask for help.
I'm an asker... so here's my ask... Where do I start? is there a bottlefeeding for dummies book?
Friday, March 4, 2016
Licensed and Already in the Adventure!
Thursday was my birthday and our official Licensing Day! March 3, 2016. We are a foster/adopt home! My husband was at work so I had Otto and Micaiah home with me. Our home developer J is pretty awesome so far. After signing all the paperwork and making a vague comment about being willing to do Respite and Emergency placements she was all excited and had a question for us....
Would we be willing to do a two week respite for a little boy in about two weeks.. 15 months old.. already in foster care for a few months. Fostermom has something medical to take care of. He's in daycare so I have the choice of bringing him to daycare daily and the worker will handle visits OR keep him home and do transpo to visits myself. We said YES! A perfect trial run, practice run what have you. And good timing for my potential shoulder surgery I'm dreading. I'll be able to do the respite before surgery, then do surgery and take a break before the next placement. BAM. We had our first placement set.
Then.. Today.. I get another call from J.
J: Can you clarify a few things for me?
Me: Sure
J: Would you be willing to do emergency care?
Me: Sure! I think so.
J: Would you be willing to take a baby who tested positive?
Me: Tested positive for what exactly? (Thinking HIV.. which I would have to think about)
J: So here's the situation...
Me: Ok... Lets hear it!
J: We have a baby coming into care for XYZ reasons, Preemie born at 32 wks, Still at the hospital getting care for XYZ reasons. {The term Narco Baby.. was used.. which made me want to cry... we got details on the exact situation... obviously can't share them here} The baby may be released later this week.. We would obviously love for whatever family takes the placement to go to the hospital and start the bonding process. There are family identified that would be getting visits. We'll know more after some time.
Me: Uhhhhh.... Ok
J: Obviously we want you to talk to your husband.
Me: Uhhhhhh...... Ok.
J: This would mean NOT taking the respite placement obviously.
Me: Right. Ok. So.. {Insert my telling her about my shoulder appt monday and possible surgery situation and why the timing for the respite was good.. but that I still wasn't sure and and and.. let me talk to my husband.} So we will EITHER do the respite, or the emergency placement. I can tell you which on Monday.
J: GREAT!
Oh Kay. So welcome to the rollercoaster. FOR REAL. And I thought the military life was dramatic.
I started praying real hard right then. That's actually a lie. I basically stared at a wall for about ten minutes working on the right thing to pray. I wanted to love on that sweet lonely in the hospital baby right then and there. I was unsure of Justin's reaction. I figured he would want to go with the "safe" two week respite as our first placement.
I was wrong. He said let's do it. I love that man. "I do not want to get into the habit of saying NO. This is what we wanted. Are we just going to hope for another newborn placement after surgery then run out of time? Let's do it"
We said yes to the emergency.. Assuming we hear back from our caseworker this weekend.. We will be delaying my surgery. And will probably have a preemie newborn by the end of the week. Um. Ok. Thank you Lord. Please miraculously heal whatever tweak is wrong with my shoulder. Or at least keep it at its current OKness. And please get J to call us back sooner than later. It was very anticlimactic to text her Yes to the Emergency and get NO response. I mean isn't she on call 24/7/365? Ok fine. Maybe not :)
So I'm totally ok with whatever happens. I'm totally terrible at keeping my mouth shut in the meantime. I told people I was pregnant two minutes after the stick had two stripes. I texted pictures to my sister. I can't keep news in. I'm a processor. Gah. So anyway. I WILL be discrete about details.. but man.. this is the life we chose and its only been TWO DAYS. I'm beyond thrilled. And freaked. And terrified.
You can pray for us these ways:
That J would confirm the placement
That Lil Guy would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That our TWO would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That I'll not overthink/overplan/overshop... and that I can be patient.
That my doctor on Monday will NOT say... YOU NEED SURGERY NOW.
That we can visit Lil Guy this week.. and that the boys can come too..
Would we be willing to do a two week respite for a little boy in about two weeks.. 15 months old.. already in foster care for a few months. Fostermom has something medical to take care of. He's in daycare so I have the choice of bringing him to daycare daily and the worker will handle visits OR keep him home and do transpo to visits myself. We said YES! A perfect trial run, practice run what have you. And good timing for my potential shoulder surgery I'm dreading. I'll be able to do the respite before surgery, then do surgery and take a break before the next placement. BAM. We had our first placement set.
Then.. Today.. I get another call from J.
J: Can you clarify a few things for me?
Me: Sure
J: Would you be willing to do emergency care?
Me: Sure! I think so.
J: Would you be willing to take a baby who tested positive?
Me: Tested positive for what exactly? (Thinking HIV.. which I would have to think about)
J: So here's the situation...
Me: Ok... Lets hear it!
J: We have a baby coming into care for XYZ reasons, Preemie born at 32 wks, Still at the hospital getting care for XYZ reasons. {The term Narco Baby.. was used.. which made me want to cry... we got details on the exact situation... obviously can't share them here} The baby may be released later this week.. We would obviously love for whatever family takes the placement to go to the hospital and start the bonding process. There are family identified that would be getting visits. We'll know more after some time.
Me: Uhhhhh.... Ok
J: Obviously we want you to talk to your husband.
Me: Uhhhhhh...... Ok.
J: This would mean NOT taking the respite placement obviously.
Me: Right. Ok. So.. {Insert my telling her about my shoulder appt monday and possible surgery situation and why the timing for the respite was good.. but that I still wasn't sure and and and.. let me talk to my husband.} So we will EITHER do the respite, or the emergency placement. I can tell you which on Monday.
J: GREAT!
Oh Kay. So welcome to the rollercoaster. FOR REAL. And I thought the military life was dramatic.
I started praying real hard right then. That's actually a lie. I basically stared at a wall for about ten minutes working on the right thing to pray. I wanted to love on that sweet lonely in the hospital baby right then and there. I was unsure of Justin's reaction. I figured he would want to go with the "safe" two week respite as our first placement.
I was wrong. He said let's do it. I love that man. "I do not want to get into the habit of saying NO. This is what we wanted. Are we just going to hope for another newborn placement after surgery then run out of time? Let's do it"
We said yes to the emergency.. Assuming we hear back from our caseworker this weekend.. We will be delaying my surgery. And will probably have a preemie newborn by the end of the week. Um. Ok. Thank you Lord. Please miraculously heal whatever tweak is wrong with my shoulder. Or at least keep it at its current OKness. And please get J to call us back sooner than later. It was very anticlimactic to text her Yes to the Emergency and get NO response. I mean isn't she on call 24/7/365? Ok fine. Maybe not :)
So I'm totally ok with whatever happens. I'm totally terrible at keeping my mouth shut in the meantime. I told people I was pregnant two minutes after the stick had two stripes. I texted pictures to my sister. I can't keep news in. I'm a processor. Gah. So anyway. I WILL be discrete about details.. but man.. this is the life we chose and its only been TWO DAYS. I'm beyond thrilled. And freaked. And terrified.
You can pray for us these ways:
That J would confirm the placement
That Lil Guy would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That our TWO would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That I'll not overthink/overplan/overshop... and that I can be patient.
That my doctor on Monday will NOT say... YOU NEED SURGERY NOW.
That we can visit Lil Guy this week.. and that the boys can come too..
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
The Cost of Compliance vs The Cost of Convenience
So now what?
Now I have to make sure stuff is where it needs to be. Meaning the locks on the right doors, and medications in the right places. Don't leave the 409 out, or the plywood in the back yard. Silly stuff.
But we've been talking about making sure to say "compliant" for awhile. It's a little annoying.
(Selfishness abounding... Laziness Abounding)
The thing is... we've been saying that we'll make sure we are "Totally" compliant once we get our license. And that seemed to be taking forever. But guess what? We basically have our license. She comes on Thursday. So now with a grateful smile (and a selfish wince) .. I'm locking our linen/meds/chemical/liquor/bullets double locked closet. And our Gun closet/store room. And putting a lock on one of Micaiahs doors to make it not be a walk through room. And putting locks on the sheds. and.. and... and... and... Yup. Silly.
But what's the cost of rebellion in the simple things? If we choose to leave a lock undone.. to minimize our inconvenience.. what is the cost. At minimum a blemish on our record.. or even the loss of our license. At most it could cost the safety of the child. A tool, a medicine, a bullet, a chemical a firearm. Yikes.
FYI: On a sidebar.. I'll say.. none of these things (except some tools) are readily accessible without at LEAST a chair or stepladder. My 3 year old can potentially reach medications if he opens a door and gets a chair. But he has been trained not to open the closet door without mom. And to ask.. before doing.. anything out of the ordinary. HOWEVER... He did find his "gummy vitamins" the other day that were NOT in the closet, let alone locked away. and I caught him taking his second of the day (I only give him one a day, the dose is 1 to 2.. so he was ok anyway).
The point is.. sometimes our rebellions don't have a direct cost. Sometimes they have a potential cost. The definition of maturity.. is the ability to see the future affect of our current actions. Is the potential cost worth the current convenience.
For me.. the answer is a big RESOUNDING no.
This is applicable to me in so many areas of my life.
What are the future implications of my current rebellion:
- eating poorly, choosing not to exercise,
- overspending, or spending on expendable items
- white lies, justifications, omissions, deceptions, self indulging truths
- Speeding in a school zone, or anywhere for that matter
- THE LIST GOES ON
Sometimes God's laws and expectations seem merely inconvenient and not that "big" of a deal.
Until we get caught. Until it's exposed. Until it bites us, ensnares us, traps us and ultimately destroys us.
Now I have to make sure stuff is where it needs to be. Meaning the locks on the right doors, and medications in the right places. Don't leave the 409 out, or the plywood in the back yard. Silly stuff.
But we've been talking about making sure to say "compliant" for awhile. It's a little annoying.
(Selfishness abounding... Laziness Abounding)
The thing is... we've been saying that we'll make sure we are "Totally" compliant once we get our license. And that seemed to be taking forever. But guess what? We basically have our license. She comes on Thursday. So now with a grateful smile (and a selfish wince) .. I'm locking our linen/meds/chemical/liquor/bullets double locked closet. And our Gun closet/store room. And putting a lock on one of Micaiahs doors to make it not be a walk through room. And putting locks on the sheds. and.. and... and... and... Yup. Silly.
But what's the cost of rebellion in the simple things? If we choose to leave a lock undone.. to minimize our inconvenience.. what is the cost. At minimum a blemish on our record.. or even the loss of our license. At most it could cost the safety of the child. A tool, a medicine, a bullet, a chemical a firearm. Yikes.
FYI: On a sidebar.. I'll say.. none of these things (except some tools) are readily accessible without at LEAST a chair or stepladder. My 3 year old can potentially reach medications if he opens a door and gets a chair. But he has been trained not to open the closet door without mom. And to ask.. before doing.. anything out of the ordinary. HOWEVER... He did find his "gummy vitamins" the other day that were NOT in the closet, let alone locked away. and I caught him taking his second of the day (I only give him one a day, the dose is 1 to 2.. so he was ok anyway).
The point is.. sometimes our rebellions don't have a direct cost. Sometimes they have a potential cost. The definition of maturity.. is the ability to see the future affect of our current actions. Is the potential cost worth the current convenience.
For me.. the answer is a big RESOUNDING no.
This is applicable to me in so many areas of my life.
What are the future implications of my current rebellion:
- eating poorly, choosing not to exercise,
- overspending, or spending on expendable items
- white lies, justifications, omissions, deceptions, self indulging truths
- Speeding in a school zone, or anywhere for that matter
- THE LIST GOES ON
Sometimes God's laws and expectations seem merely inconvenient and not that "big" of a deal.
Until we get caught. Until it's exposed. Until it bites us, ensnares us, traps us and ultimately destroys us.
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.
James 1:22-25
Anyone then, who sees the good he ought to do and doesn't do it.. sins.
James 4:17
Infinite Love.
This is my heart for Foster Care. and Adoption.
Left Side is our Family. Right is Bio Family. Heart is the sweet soul entrusted to us forever or just for a time. But my prayer is that the journey smooth. My prayer is that the families be connected. My prayer is the child would feel the infinite love of a foster family, bio family, and of course the God that brought us to this journey in the first place.
Some call this orphan care. As much as that could be circumstantially true, I pray that it's not. I pray that orphan care is NOT the default label. Many of these kids have families.. who need grace, and mercy and time. A second a third a 7x77th chance to get it right. It is also true that some of these kids also need the FREEDOM to be an orphan and in a safe family. But not all. I pray that I never STRIVE for the termination of parental rights first. I pray that I always have a heart for restoration and healing.
I pray for wisdom, discretion, and discernment. For God's eyes towards the hearts of the families and the children. I pray for hope, and for the refreshment of God's Word when the task begins to be daunting.
I pray that my bio babies see the work as Good. That they also grow with little hearts for serving and sacrificing; for practicing grace and mercy; for loving the broken and the hurting.
I pray for the case workers hearts. I pray for the factual, truthful representation of incidents and experiences. I pray that God will grant us favor in the eyes of the bio families, caseworkers, laywers and judges.
And I pray for timing. We have two short years in El Paso. God could bring us one sweet soul in that time frame, who could stay with us forever. Or many sweet souls to bless our home just for a time. I trust him with that. Justin has a full heart for adoption. I am peaceful and realistic we may not manage it in our time frame. May God grant us the courage to be willing to say hello, and willing to say goodbye. May he fill us with infinite amounts of love an infinite number of times. May the well run deep.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."
Jeremiah 31:3
But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,and his righteousness with their children’s children—
Psalm 103:17
In the Beginning.
Thursday is my 31st Birthday.
Thursday we will be getting our Foster/Adopt license.
Thursday the adventure begins. Or not. Who knows.
Justin and I started our fostercare journey a few years ago when we both agreed we would be interested in adopting some day. We now in 2016 currently have our son Otto (3yrs) and Micaiah (14 mos).
Photo taken Nov 2015.. Micaiah was about 10mos.
Justin is in the Army.. which makes the whole process of adoption a little complicated when you typically move every two years .. or less. So we sort of had the whole thing on the backburner. Then we had our second child and realized.. who cares. Let's do it. We had always thought we would like to do it via the foster care system. I have a tiny fear of the whole adoption baby trafficking via adoption agencies and never felt comfortable with my abilities to research and get comfortable enough with an agency to know the motives behind the curtain (and cash register). I have NO problem with people who have gone that route... it just wasn't for us.
I also have a history working with homeless, victims of Domestic violence, and other such populations whose children (some of whom I knew at the time) were put in foster care. I've met foster parents, and case workers, and seen the system in action from the sidelines. I've even filed abuse claims via CPS in the past. So I've always thought about those kids and how tough it must be to endure the upset, the turmoil and the chaos of foster care. I've also thought a lot about the moms and dads going through the other side of that. I've seen kids go to crisis or foster care while mom goes to rehab.. multiple times. and I've seen moms slip ONCE and lose their kids over a single event. I've seen them have their kids leave with foster parents, and the broken shell of a mom leftover after the visit. And its heartbreaking. I have a heart for the parents too.
So for that reason among many others... we have been working towards our foster/adopt license since our info meeting last summer (july 2015). And here we are. March 1... and March 3 (My bday!) Our worker will be bringing over our license. So here comes the adventure. Here comes the heartache. Here comes the love. May it be infinite, eternal, heartwrenchingly passionately painfully awesome and may it point to the God who did it first, and did it best.
"to all who received Him.. to those who believed in His name.. He gave the right.. to become children of God" John 1:12
Thursday we will be getting our Foster/Adopt license.
Thursday the adventure begins. Or not. Who knows.
Justin and I started our fostercare journey a few years ago when we both agreed we would be interested in adopting some day. We now in 2016 currently have our son Otto (3yrs) and Micaiah (14 mos).
Photo taken Nov 2015.. Micaiah was about 10mos.
Justin is in the Army.. which makes the whole process of adoption a little complicated when you typically move every two years .. or less. So we sort of had the whole thing on the backburner. Then we had our second child and realized.. who cares. Let's do it. We had always thought we would like to do it via the foster care system. I have a tiny fear of the whole adoption baby trafficking via adoption agencies and never felt comfortable with my abilities to research and get comfortable enough with an agency to know the motives behind the curtain (and cash register). I have NO problem with people who have gone that route... it just wasn't for us.
I also have a history working with homeless, victims of Domestic violence, and other such populations whose children (some of whom I knew at the time) were put in foster care. I've met foster parents, and case workers, and seen the system in action from the sidelines. I've even filed abuse claims via CPS in the past. So I've always thought about those kids and how tough it must be to endure the upset, the turmoil and the chaos of foster care. I've also thought a lot about the moms and dads going through the other side of that. I've seen kids go to crisis or foster care while mom goes to rehab.. multiple times. and I've seen moms slip ONCE and lose their kids over a single event. I've seen them have their kids leave with foster parents, and the broken shell of a mom leftover after the visit. And its heartbreaking. I have a heart for the parents too.
So for that reason among many others... we have been working towards our foster/adopt license since our info meeting last summer (july 2015). And here we are. March 1... and March 3 (My bday!) Our worker will be bringing over our license. So here comes the adventure. Here comes the heartache. Here comes the love. May it be infinite, eternal, heartwrenchingly passionately painfully awesome and may it point to the God who did it first, and did it best.
"to all who received Him.. to those who believed in His name.. He gave the right.. to become children of God" John 1:12
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