The State of My Heart.

Latest updates with Lil Guy. It looks like we will be starting visitations with Kin soon. Which is good. Honestly. I really truly feel like God has been massaging my heart over the last few weeks in preparation for this. Here is where I am at.

Two weeks ago it seemed like family was not stepping in. There were hopeful hearts for adoption. I honestly felt a little tentative about it the whole time. I am uber realistic about these types of things. And very practical. So I didn't attach myself to the possibility much. Also as much as the bonding is happening with Lil Guy I still have that feeling like I am taking care of someone else's child. I'm ok with that too. Bonding takes time without all those crazy birth hormones.

Turns out family has been TRYING to get a hold of CPS for a month in order to set up visits. Which is so sad for them. Everyone kept saying.. nobody is requesting visits... we aren't sure if they are interested or if they'll work services if they may not do visits when they get started.. Putting the judgment on them. So sad. They have been TRYING and no one was calling back I guess. So we start tomorrow with our first visit. And I am hopeful :) I am excited for the family.

Honestly. They deserve HONOR. They are not the parents. They are "standing in the gap" as much as I am and making a sacrifice of their own lives to take on a newborn. They don't deserve judgment. They don't deserve distance. They need support, and information, and hope. So I'm hopeful.

I wrote a letter to put in the visit bag with basic details on Lil Guy's medical/developmental/preferences. AND if you remember back a few posts I wanted to write something to set them at ease if they were only pushing for custody due to their fear of the foster family. This letter ended up significantly different. Here's the first bit(Name changed obviously):

Hi "Lil Guy"’s Family!

Thank you so much for stepping forward and starting visitations with Lil Guy! My husband and I truly believe God calls us to “stand in the gap” for those who are in need.. and you are answering that call as much as we are! So know that we appreciate and honor your willingness to stand in the gap for Lil Guy. He is precious and a true blessing. We are enjoying every minute we have him and do our best to care for him and communicate love and joy to him daily. My 3 year old has a job in our house. It is to make sure all our babies hear something special every day. He whispers over the crib every night “ You are safe, You are loved and You are good”.  So know that while the process begins, while the visitations seem so short, that Lil Guy is feeling loved and cared for.

A quick introduction of us. My name is Phyllis and I’m the primary caregiver as a stay at home mom.  My husband is Justin. He is a Major in the Army. We have two sons who are 3 and 1 yrs old. Lil Guy is our first foster placement. And a joy. We are licensed to Foster/Adopt and we are basically just here to serve whether that be for just fostering until reunification or adoption.  We are active in our church here in El Paso and have lived here off and on for 7 years.

 

 

So that's my heart. I want his family to have a fighting chance. So my goal is to be a light. To be so overwhelmingly supportive and loving that they see God, see grace and seek it out.

 

On a side note. If for some reason the placement doesn't work out and we do still end up adopting.. I want to be able to lean on the positive interaction and maintain a relationship for the sake of Lil Guy.

 

 

So why is this all so hard? Because it would be soooooooo easy... To be disappointed.. to be defensive... to sabotage... to be cold and apathetic... to not care. But who would that benefit? No one. Not even my crummy old soul. 

 

 

 

That Dirty Devil.

Peace Stealer. Liar. Thief. Wretch. Punk. Fool. Turd.
That's how I feel about the Devil. Now let me tell you why.


I have had a weird week. We've been fielding lots of questions about Lil Guy as we are out and about. I am not shy in saying he is foster baby.. and so people are always naturally and rightly asking if we "plan to adopt" or "hope to adopt" or whatnot. And the answer is... Meh.. Yes and No. :) and it's been kind of unnerving to realize that ....

I am TOTALLY peaceful either way. And the devil doesn't like it.

 My kids are enamored. My hubs is convinced we'll adopt and is geared towards that anyway. And I can honestly tell you right now that I adore this Lil Guy with my whole heart. He's adorable, tiny, peaceful mostly, doing well, gaining weight, making eye contact and even smiling in response to us (and not just gas) which is always heart warming.

And yet I'm honestly peaceful about him going to family if that ends up being the case.

Maybe it's still early. Maybe it will change in the future as he gets bigger and starts interacting more. Maybe I just miss my sleep. Mostly.. I'm just peaceful. I've wrestled out the trust with God. I've submitted Lil Guy to Him... and I trust that He's got him.

And the Devil is driving me bonkers.

So many things are starting to enter my lil peaceful head.

You aren't working hard enough to bond. You are just caretaking not mothering. The bottlefeeding is making it hard for you to connect. You're selfish and just want to sleep. You won't ever bond as much as your bio kids. How dare you not Love him enough to want him with everything you have. You are failing him. You are going to be exhausted, You are exhausted, You will always be exhausted. The list goes on this week.

And its obvious. Which honestly helps a bit. It's clear that the peace about the situation IS a peace that passes understanding, a peace from God that is OK. It is not a sin to be peaceful. It is not something I need to feel guilty about. It does not mean I don't care, or that I'm apathetic, or that I'm not bonding or loving or adoring this sweet Lil Guy.

But I will say this. It doesn't go over well. I have to watch how I communicate it. I have to be careful with caseworkers. There is a difficult balance. I want to show that we are supportive of kinship placement while also showing that we are bonding and loving this child so that if the courts DO decide to terminate rights and kin doesn't step up that we are FIRST in line for adoption.

If it comes down to it.. and family doesn't work out. We are ABSOLUTELY interested, dying to adopt him.

Someone asked me the other day. Is it hard not to get your hopes up to adopt him? I honestly had no answer.. I mean.. its kind of complicated. Are my hopes up that NO family members want him? That his mom and dad are gone and out of the picture? That his life will begin with abandonment and then family being judged unworthy.. or deciding they don't want him either? No..my hopes are not up for that. My heart breaks for that.

Which is where I stand now. My hopes are up that I'll be able to tell this little one that his family wanted him.. that they worked for it... and that they adopted him. Or that they tried their best to maintain a relationship even when the state decided they couldn't adopt... or that by some miracle his mom finds Christ, gets clean, changes her whole life around and takes him into her arms as the whole person she could be and loves him forever as God first hoped for. That is my hope. The likelihood is low. But God can do anything. My heart aches for the mom, the unknowing father, the young uncle who's trying to work his life out to make it happen despite his past problems, the grandma who has already taken on mom's other kids but isn't sure if she can handle more. My heart aches for them all.

So by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving.. I am presenting my requests to God.

For the salvation of Mom, Dad, Uncle, Grandma.
For reunification, Restoration, Adoption.
For a life of Love no matter where he ends up.
For a full life without trauma and hurt for Lil Guy.
For a peaceful, love filled start in our home for Lil Guy.
For the wisdom and perception of the case workers, lawyers, judges, CASAs in his case.
For mercy, and grace, patience and hope in the midst of all the chaos.
And for a peaceful untainted heart in the midst of the turmoil, judgment, processing and patience.

Amen.

Staying Grounded.

Lil Guy has finally started gaining weight.. I think. We had to switch formula for a bit.. which I think the reflux/gas meds in hopes to keep it all in check. I think I figured out that the powdered formula version of the Enfacare for preemies basically turns into foam if you shake it.. which is basically just bubbles.... and thus gas.. So I'm going to try to make it without the foam.. or make it and let it sit in the refrigerator to settle a bit and see if that makes a difference. That Nutramigen stuff smelled like old cheese.. it was terrible. He grimaced every time he'd start drinking. Yuck. Anyway so hopefully we'll get back on track with the Hi Cal and get his weight up. He is gaining just veery slowly.

One piece of great news is that ECI decided he doesn't qualify for services at this point.. meaning he's doing so well he won't need therapy or anything yet. We'll get an eval at the Border Children's Clinic which specializes in "special situation" type babies... which being drug exposed qualifies him for that program. So they'll check him in a few months and we'll keep an eye on developmental milestones just in case.

Our first visit from caseworkers/legal and I think a CASA is coming up on Tuesday.. a week or so before his courtdate to finalize the case plan. So I'll get a bit more info on what their plan is for kin/visitation etc. Hopefully I'll be able to find out if anyone is in fact going to work for the placement or not. So that rollercoaster will be beginning soon.



A friend asked me yesterday how.. in the midst of the emotional turmoil.. do I stay grounded.

Honestly I feel a bit silly because we are so new to all this that there hasn't been a ton of turmoil yet. We haven't experienced courts and visitations and the back and forth of the foster care system that I know so many of you other foster parents have experienced. I do feel like we've gotten a taste.. and I do feel like I know what I'll be needing in the future

So I have been thinking a lot about that since she asked. My answer was a bit simple.. too simple maybe.

 I told her that I've tried to stay in the Word and cling to the verses that specifically speak of God being the Father to the Fatherless. Trying to align myself with HIS heart for the fatherless. His heart for Lil Guy.  It is truly sad to consider the fact that this poor Lil Guy truly is Fatherless, and Motherless to some degree. Abandoned. There are family in the mix that may step up. Or not. But for him.. God is his...

DEFENDER
He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. Deut 10:18


But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. Ps. 10:14

FATHER
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. Ps 68:5

WE are called to be:

DEFENDERS
Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.Ps 82:3

PROVIDERS
When you have finished setting aside a tenth of all your produce in the third year, the year of the tithe, you shall give it to the Levite, the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow, so that they may eat in your towns and be satisfied. Deut 26:12

CAREGIVERS
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27


It's heartbreaking to know that this Lil Guy fits all of those categories. Fatherless. Orphan. etc. 

In the meantime we are doing our best to make sure he does not feel the void.

I also told my friend I am trying to love as intensely as I can.. but with a loose grip. I will not cling to Lil Guy, and refuse to trust he is First a child of God, and then my foster son. This is true of my own children as well. The tighter I hold on to them, the more God will have to pry my hands open. The harder I'll have to fight Him.. which is not comfortable. And not peaceful. So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to find the balance. Trying to live out the call .. defender, provider, caregiver. Essentially... be a mom. I can do that.


Everyone gets swept in a whirlwind in some way... at some point.. so..

How do you stay grounded?