Biomom has passed away. Belated post.

It has taken me a month to really process this. To give myself time, and honestly the whole family time to grieve.

It is strange to grieve over someone who I barely know, someone I only met once.

Lil Guy's Biomom died a few weeks ago. She was 25 I believe. We think she OD'd. She had only been released from prison a month earlier, was living in a hotel. Found unconscious. Found Alone.

My caseworker emailed me that day, telling me briefly in an email something like: "{Biomom} died this weekend. So sad. I'll tell you more when I know". I burst into tears.

An hour later.. "She hasn't passed yet, she's on life support in the hospital. They found family to help determine end of life care" (aka who will pull the plug).  I burst into prayer.

Save her. If not her body then PLEASE SAVE HER SOUL!! I so badly want Lil Guy to see her in heaven. All I could do was pray that in her "coma" she had a chance to get herself right with the Lord. To meet him, and submit her soul to his hands. Because clearly.. she wasn't living a life right with him. Clearly, she was entrapped in drugs and addiction. Clearly.. she was not living as one saved and set apart.  I prayed so hard during those days.

We toyed with the idea of visiting. I know a few others including my sweet pastor's wife Kathleen.. whose heart for Lil Guy rivals my own.  Alas we were too late. By the time I started figuring out logistics to do it.. I found out via her family's FB pages.. that she had passed. I burst into tears again.

My sons asked me what was wrong, why was I so sad. And I told them. Lil Guys other mama died.. she made bad choices, she got sick, and she died. They asked if we could meet her in heaven some day, and with a heavy, choked up heart, I tried to explain that I didn't think we would. And we prayed together. I prayed with them that she had met God and trusted him with her life. They prayed that she loved Jesus too and was with Him. and we all hugged Lil Guy. and tried to let him know as often as we could that he was Safe, and he was Loved and he was Good. Forever.

My heart is broken still. I had such hopes. I had plans for writing letters over the years and saving them in a book. I had plans for slowly sharing the gospel. Plans I had already begun by writing tidbits of our faith in our letter, and giving her a gospel tract. Small seeds for sowing, and hopefully God was doing the growing. I had ideas in my head about hearing from her in 5 years to find out she'd been sober and clean, and getting her world together. Visiting, building relationship and mothering her into our lives. None of that can happen now. And I'm so sad. Honestly it hurts too because I think I was acting very proud about my plans. High and mighty with my desires to love  her into salvation and sobriety. So there's that piece of humility in the midst of grief that got me. I wanted to see her life transformed for Lil Guy's sake.

The one shining light in the midst of it .. is the window into their family that has been opened. I got to message with uncle via facebook, tell him I'm praying for him and his family, and to send some updated pictures. He wants to be a part of Lil Guy's life.... but is understanding of taking it slowly. I'm tightfisted with my babies.. and blood ties doesn't change that. But we'll start getting to know them and building trust over time. I'm happy we'll be staying in El Paso. It will help with all of it.

So here we are. A month out from adoption. Deceased mom. Unknown father. Ward of the State. My lil sweet orphan. In all senses of the word. Yet he is loved. He is home. He is our son. We are thrilled and saddened equally.

Lil Guy is Walking.. and it's kind of epic.

I hate the crawling phase.

I HATE IT.

Dirty hands, frustrated babies, scraped knees and feet, more fits and fights than anything I've ever experienced. It's obnoxious. And Lil Guy has outlasted all my others in his non-walking endeavors.

Until NOW.

He can still only Frankenstein for about 6 steps tops but he is SOOOOOO happy about it!

And So am I.

Now I can carry Abe in one arm and "toddle" Lil Guy to the car.
He can get from place to place with his milk/toy/paci and not scream when he wants to come to me with them. He can bring them himself!!

He can keep up with the boys and keep his HANDS off the floor, his KNEES off the concrete and his sweet little toenails won't be all chopped up.

Also.. we get to celebrate. Because this was the final milestone to show us that Lil Guy... despite his rough preemie start.. his drug exposure.. his consistent delays... is RIGHT ON TRACK. He is 14 months.. and walking independently. It seems like he was late because my other boys started around 10 months.. but we are assured he may be at the end of the range but that everything seems to show he is right on target in all areas. AND THIS IS A MIRACLE.

I will still keep an eye out for sensory issues, and emotion control issues.. those seem to crop up later in exposed babies.. but for now we are praising, and delighting in how much protection God had over him..

Technically I can't share his name via blog until next month.. but I'll just say he's named after a certain someone who survived a certain biblical lion's den.

And the name couldn't fit him any better. He was literally in a lion's den in the womb. With angry lions (drug exposure, violence, alcohol, cigarettes etc) all around him.. and God protected him. He had zero signs of withdrawal.. and only Preemie related lung issues.. which now that he has weaned off formula to whole milk.. most of the asthma has resolved.

So we are so proud, and so thrilled and sooooo excited to see how he continues to thrive.

Love covers all sins. God saves. God protects. God has good for us. Believe it.

Getting Closer to Lil Guy's Adoption

We still don't have an official date yet. But we are 99% sure Lil Guy's adoption will be the end of this month. Meanwhile on the farm....

-Biomom died last month of what we assume is an OD. So Incredibly Sad. So hard to process.
-Uncle and I have communicated once or twice.. I am hoping for a relationship to happen there.. slowly and cautiously.
- We are buying a house and staying in the El Paso Area. Which is kind of nuts. But thrilling.
-Justin is exiting the military.. it has been a long road but God is kind in it all.
- And I am looking for income sources to help us through the gaps. So I'm dabbling with ideas in all sorts of areas. I'll get to that in another post.. but it's weird to think about working again.

I'm super excited to get to Lil Guy's adoption date.. and be done with CPS for awhile. Due to our move our foster home will close and if we want to pursue adoption in the future it will be through the state of New Mexico.. since our address will be Anthony, NM. It is PERFECT timing. I'll still try to blog and may shift gears a bit in topics but we WILL open our home to kids again some day. I think with our littles being so LITTLE I am at my end point of energy and focus.. I would like to get our home, work, education worlds set and settled in our new place.. and in a few years once our house is up to code again we can pursue foster care.

In the meantime.. I think I want to write. I know I'm not an awesome writer. I know I'm not a perfect parent. But I love to share insight and advice with other mamas. I like to synthesize all the various ways moms get things done and help people find solutions and ideas to what THEY struggle with day to day in the world of babies and toddlers and kiddos and husbands and cleaning etc. Most of the time I get ideas that sound great and they never get long term implemented. Or I realize afterwards JUST how labor intensive that chore chart is with a 2 year old. Or how obnoxious the 15 minute potty timer really is.

Essentially, I'm a very practical, realistic and LAZY mom when it comes to prioritizing my minute to minute life. And I think I want to write about what really works. What I see others do that works for them. And find out what realistic parenting is. When Pinterest fades and the rubber ducky meets the road. Cuz most of the time.. our expectations get tossed with a new phase, development, shift, time change, sickness etc.

I want to know what things pass the test of time and change.. I have a few that have made it through the years. I think they might be fun to share. I wish I had known them before I had kids. Unfortunately you can't always big brother style watch people in their homes to TRULY see what works, rather than what's pinned and shared at the start.

Who knows maybe tomorrow my whim will shift. Most likely in fact. If you have any thoughts, ideas or "I wish I knew abouts" I'd love to hear them. I'd love to figure out what people really want to know.