Lil Guy is coming!

Disclaimer.. this could change. I am pretty used to it from military life.. but at this point I'm very hopeful that the following is true.

Lil Guy is going to be our first placement! We heard from J and got a little bit more detail about the case. Mom will most likely not be given rights back though she still has the one year period to request visits and consideration. There is a kinship placement being worked but there's very few details about the actual situation there so who knows. I will never be one to say I hope it doesn't work out.. I know the goal of foster care is reunification.. as it should be.. with either bio parents or with kinship placement.

 It should be HARD to take kids from their parents.
 Even if their parents are a mess.
 Even if their parents disappear without a trace.
 Even if their parents have previous kids in the system.
 Even if their parents are addicts.
 Even if their parents didn't show up for visits.
 Even if their parents show up at the end of the year hoping for a chance.
 Even if they needed time to work it all out.
 It should be the HARDEST thing a court can do.

So the hope is that Lil Guy.. who is legitimately unnamed still which makes my heart cry... will be discharged this week some time. He's doing exceptionally well given his circumstances. They want us to start visiting as soon as we can to start bonding with him.

It's kind of hard. He sort of seems unreal. Like its partially hard to digest that this tiny little 4lb human is all alone (except for what I am sure is exceptionally attentive nursing staff) in this big hospital with noone to say.. you are mine! It's also hard that I don't really get to say that yet either! So what will I say? Probably what I tell both my boys every night before they go to bed...

You are safe.
You are loved.
And you are good.

Sometimes over and over until they settle into sleep.
Sometimes once is all that is needed.

I am trying to think of what I would do had this been an adoption setting. Not just foster care. I think I would be fighting to get in there for visitation. Waiting very anxiously for the chance to see this new baby of ours. I would be there every waking minute of visitation. To hold and feed and snuggle and talk to.

So why do I feel less inclined this time? Is that callous? Is it just still hard to swallow? Am I putting the needs of my kids before this unknown baby (certainly, to some degree yes. )

So what does that mean? Should I shift that attitude? Should I wait to meet him and see if it changes? I don't know. I guess I'm feeling a little guilty. But I will say this. I am thinking and dreaming of what he looks like. I can't wait to meet him. Just like when my boys were born.

So be praying for us:
That bonding goes well.
That the boys can visit and get used to the idea.
That I can visit more than infrequently.
That the nurses are awesome and understanding.. and helpful to this clueless to preemie/bottlefeeder babies.
Pray for a heart for this child no matter how long or short he stays.
And pray for God's kindness in the kinship placement... or lack therof.