Our First Death. RIP Roscoe.

It was Tuesday Morning that it happened.

We were outside. Me, Biggest Boy (3.5 yrs old) Big Boy (18 mos) and Roscoe (12 yr old Lab.) Lil Guy was in the playgym on the living room floor. I was quickly trying to go outside to empty the vacuum. I had both Big Boys in my sights and knew Roscoe had gone to pee on the neighbor's flowers next door. "Roscoe Come Here!" is the common refrain repeated in these instances and it happened for the last time that morning.

BOOOM.

I turned around to see my big old yellow dog sliding along the street completely limp. He had been on the receiving end of the boom. I ran the Big Boys inside, and shut the screen so I could still see and hear them. I ran out into the street and stopped oncoming traffic. Yelled to a very disgruntled neighbor asking for help to bring him to the sidewalk. He very huffily and spanish cursingly did. Then went back to his house to leave me alone. More people saw us and pulled over. Like 4 cars worth of people asking how they can help. I looked at them all and said.. I just don't know. He was limp but breathing. He had some blood near his face but nothing specific. The sound made me think it was a full body hit.. btw the car kept going and never stopped. I'd curse them as my brother in law did but in reality what would that have helped if they had.. I'd probably end up paying damages on their car. I don't think they saw him run into the street. I don't think they could've stopped. I don't think it was their fault.  It was mine. I knew better. He runs to the first human he can make friends with.

A few of the good samaritans stayed with him while I ran inside to check on the boys (who I could still hear and see) and get my phone. Praise the Lord it was Tuesday morning and 10 minutes before a whole slew of amazing women were coming to my house for Tuesday morning prayer meeting. Including our designated "fostercare" babysitter. Cars started pulling up before I even made a call. They didn't hesitate. JUST GO. WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED.

So Good Samaritan #1 asked Grumpy Mexican't to help him lift 90lb Roscoe into the backseat of my truck. And off we went. To the vet. He lasted about 5 minutes in there before they came out and asked if they should continue CPR. No. Let him go. Even if he survived, his quality of life with that weight on those limbs would be terrible. And the internal trauma was devastating too.

So home we went after signing off on cremation. They asked if I wanted his ashes. I broke down. How in the world do I explain ashes to my 3 yr old. How in the world will I explain any of this to him. Like seriously, practically, spiritually how? I was a mess. Adrenaline rush over, hormonal crash begins. Mess

So I drove home.

And walked straight to my room where I snuggled my sweet little 3 yr old onto my lap and bawled. He asked where Roscoe was. If the doctors fixed him. I said no. His body was still there but his spirit went to heaven to be with God. His body was too broken for the doctors to fix. So God took his spirit to be with him. I don't know if Dogs go to heaven. But I don't care. This was my son's first experience with real death. Not bugs, or batteries. But a loved one. He's going to understand heaven. And he's going to start to understand body vs. soul/spirit. He's going to hear it from me. I'm gonna get it right.

We spent the rest of the day replaying and replaying it. He heard me repeat it a million times as we got sweet phone calls from family and friends. They understood the loss. It was so hard. My husband came home from work for lunch (a true treasure and an uncommon one these days) and brought us pizza. He answered a few questions but we held to the truth. Roscoe ran in the street, he got hit by a car, his body was broken but his spirit went to heaven to be with God.

The repetition helped my heart. But it was still the absolute hardest part.

I am glad I had to deal with this now. I feel like I'm better prepared for conversations with foster kids. I'm sure the conversation will be VERY different, but it should be. I just hope I can hold it together better next time.

On a side note. When I called Justin and said "mumble mumble got hit by a car"... his first question was "Phyllis.. WHO got hit by a car?" .. I cannot imagine the panic of thinking it had been one of the boys. I just. I can't go there. But God is good. And God has us covered. I am grateful my standing with Him is secure, and that he has my boys.. all three.. in the palms of his hands.