That Dirty Devil.

Peace Stealer. Liar. Thief. Wretch. Punk. Fool. Turd.
That's how I feel about the Devil. Now let me tell you why.


I have had a weird week. We've been fielding lots of questions about Lil Guy as we are out and about. I am not shy in saying he is foster baby.. and so people are always naturally and rightly asking if we "plan to adopt" or "hope to adopt" or whatnot. And the answer is... Meh.. Yes and No. :) and it's been kind of unnerving to realize that ....

I am TOTALLY peaceful either way. And the devil doesn't like it.

 My kids are enamored. My hubs is convinced we'll adopt and is geared towards that anyway. And I can honestly tell you right now that I adore this Lil Guy with my whole heart. He's adorable, tiny, peaceful mostly, doing well, gaining weight, making eye contact and even smiling in response to us (and not just gas) which is always heart warming.

And yet I'm honestly peaceful about him going to family if that ends up being the case.

Maybe it's still early. Maybe it will change in the future as he gets bigger and starts interacting more. Maybe I just miss my sleep. Mostly.. I'm just peaceful. I've wrestled out the trust with God. I've submitted Lil Guy to Him... and I trust that He's got him.

And the Devil is driving me bonkers.

So many things are starting to enter my lil peaceful head.

You aren't working hard enough to bond. You are just caretaking not mothering. The bottlefeeding is making it hard for you to connect. You're selfish and just want to sleep. You won't ever bond as much as your bio kids. How dare you not Love him enough to want him with everything you have. You are failing him. You are going to be exhausted, You are exhausted, You will always be exhausted. The list goes on this week.

And its obvious. Which honestly helps a bit. It's clear that the peace about the situation IS a peace that passes understanding, a peace from God that is OK. It is not a sin to be peaceful. It is not something I need to feel guilty about. It does not mean I don't care, or that I'm apathetic, or that I'm not bonding or loving or adoring this sweet Lil Guy.

But I will say this. It doesn't go over well. I have to watch how I communicate it. I have to be careful with caseworkers. There is a difficult balance. I want to show that we are supportive of kinship placement while also showing that we are bonding and loving this child so that if the courts DO decide to terminate rights and kin doesn't step up that we are FIRST in line for adoption.

If it comes down to it.. and family doesn't work out. We are ABSOLUTELY interested, dying to adopt him.

Someone asked me the other day. Is it hard not to get your hopes up to adopt him? I honestly had no answer.. I mean.. its kind of complicated. Are my hopes up that NO family members want him? That his mom and dad are gone and out of the picture? That his life will begin with abandonment and then family being judged unworthy.. or deciding they don't want him either? No..my hopes are not up for that. My heart breaks for that.

Which is where I stand now. My hopes are up that I'll be able to tell this little one that his family wanted him.. that they worked for it... and that they adopted him. Or that they tried their best to maintain a relationship even when the state decided they couldn't adopt... or that by some miracle his mom finds Christ, gets clean, changes her whole life around and takes him into her arms as the whole person she could be and loves him forever as God first hoped for. That is my hope. The likelihood is low. But God can do anything. My heart aches for the mom, the unknowing father, the young uncle who's trying to work his life out to make it happen despite his past problems, the grandma who has already taken on mom's other kids but isn't sure if she can handle more. My heart aches for them all.

So by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving.. I am presenting my requests to God.

For the salvation of Mom, Dad, Uncle, Grandma.
For reunification, Restoration, Adoption.
For a life of Love no matter where he ends up.
For a full life without trauma and hurt for Lil Guy.
For a peaceful, love filled start in our home for Lil Guy.
For the wisdom and perception of the case workers, lawyers, judges, CASAs in his case.
For mercy, and grace, patience and hope in the midst of all the chaos.
And for a peaceful untainted heart in the midst of the turmoil, judgment, processing and patience.

Amen.