Biomom has passed away. Belated post.

It has taken me a month to really process this. To give myself time, and honestly the whole family time to grieve.

It is strange to grieve over someone who I barely know, someone I only met once.

Lil Guy's Biomom died a few weeks ago. She was 25 I believe. We think she OD'd. She had only been released from prison a month earlier, was living in a hotel. Found unconscious. Found Alone.

My caseworker emailed me that day, telling me briefly in an email something like: "{Biomom} died this weekend. So sad. I'll tell you more when I know". I burst into tears.

An hour later.. "She hasn't passed yet, she's on life support in the hospital. They found family to help determine end of life care" (aka who will pull the plug).  I burst into prayer.

Save her. If not her body then PLEASE SAVE HER SOUL!! I so badly want Lil Guy to see her in heaven. All I could do was pray that in her "coma" she had a chance to get herself right with the Lord. To meet him, and submit her soul to his hands. Because clearly.. she wasn't living a life right with him. Clearly, she was entrapped in drugs and addiction. Clearly.. she was not living as one saved and set apart.  I prayed so hard during those days.

We toyed with the idea of visiting. I know a few others including my sweet pastor's wife Kathleen.. whose heart for Lil Guy rivals my own.  Alas we were too late. By the time I started figuring out logistics to do it.. I found out via her family's FB pages.. that she had passed. I burst into tears again.

My sons asked me what was wrong, why was I so sad. And I told them. Lil Guys other mama died.. she made bad choices, she got sick, and she died. They asked if we could meet her in heaven some day, and with a heavy, choked up heart, I tried to explain that I didn't think we would. And we prayed together. I prayed with them that she had met God and trusted him with her life. They prayed that she loved Jesus too and was with Him. and we all hugged Lil Guy. and tried to let him know as often as we could that he was Safe, and he was Loved and he was Good. Forever.

My heart is broken still. I had such hopes. I had plans for writing letters over the years and saving them in a book. I had plans for slowly sharing the gospel. Plans I had already begun by writing tidbits of our faith in our letter, and giving her a gospel tract. Small seeds for sowing, and hopefully God was doing the growing. I had ideas in my head about hearing from her in 5 years to find out she'd been sober and clean, and getting her world together. Visiting, building relationship and mothering her into our lives. None of that can happen now. And I'm so sad. Honestly it hurts too because I think I was acting very proud about my plans. High and mighty with my desires to love  her into salvation and sobriety. So there's that piece of humility in the midst of grief that got me. I wanted to see her life transformed for Lil Guy's sake.

The one shining light in the midst of it .. is the window into their family that has been opened. I got to message with uncle via facebook, tell him I'm praying for him and his family, and to send some updated pictures. He wants to be a part of Lil Guy's life.... but is understanding of taking it slowly. I'm tightfisted with my babies.. and blood ties doesn't change that. But we'll start getting to know them and building trust over time. I'm happy we'll be staying in El Paso. It will help with all of it.

So here we are. A month out from adoption. Deceased mom. Unknown father. Ward of the State. My lil sweet orphan. In all senses of the word. Yet he is loved. He is home. He is our son. We are thrilled and saddened equally.