Peace Stealer. Liar. Thief. Wretch. Punk. Fool. Turd.
That's how I feel about the Devil. Now let me tell you why.
I have had a weird week. We've been fielding lots of questions about Lil Guy as we are out and about. I am not shy in saying he is foster baby.. and so people are always naturally and rightly asking if we "plan to adopt" or "hope to adopt" or whatnot. And the answer is... Meh.. Yes and No. :) and it's been kind of unnerving to realize that ....
I am TOTALLY peaceful either way. And the devil doesn't like it.
My kids are enamored. My hubs is convinced we'll adopt and is geared towards that anyway. And I can honestly tell you right now that I adore this Lil Guy with my whole heart. He's adorable, tiny, peaceful mostly, doing well, gaining weight, making eye contact and even smiling in response to us (and not just gas) which is always heart warming.
And yet I'm honestly peaceful about him going to family if that ends up being the case.
Maybe it's still early. Maybe it will change in the future as he gets bigger and starts interacting more. Maybe I just miss my sleep. Mostly.. I'm just peaceful. I've wrestled out the trust with God. I've submitted Lil Guy to Him... and I trust that He's got him.
And the Devil is driving me bonkers.
So many things are starting to enter my lil peaceful head.
You aren't working hard enough to bond. You are just caretaking not mothering. The bottlefeeding is making it hard for you to connect. You're selfish and just want to sleep. You won't ever bond as much as your bio kids. How dare you not Love him enough to want him with everything you have. You are failing him. You are going to be exhausted, You are exhausted, You will always be exhausted. The list goes on this week.
And its obvious. Which honestly helps a bit. It's clear that the peace about the situation IS a peace that passes understanding, a peace from God that is OK. It is not a sin to be peaceful. It is not something I need to feel guilty about. It does not mean I don't care, or that I'm apathetic, or that I'm not bonding or loving or adoring this sweet Lil Guy.
But I will say this. It doesn't go over well. I have to watch how I communicate it. I have to be careful with caseworkers. There is a difficult balance. I want to show that we are supportive of kinship placement while also showing that we are bonding and loving this child so that if the courts DO decide to terminate rights and kin doesn't step up that we are FIRST in line for adoption.
If it comes down to it.. and family doesn't work out. We are ABSOLUTELY interested, dying to adopt him.
Someone asked me the other day. Is it hard not to get your hopes up to adopt him? I honestly had no answer.. I mean.. its kind of complicated. Are my hopes up that NO family members want him? That his mom and dad are gone and out of the picture? That his life will begin with abandonment and then family being judged unworthy.. or deciding they don't want him either? No..my hopes are not up for that. My heart breaks for that.
Which is where I stand now. My hopes are up that I'll be able to tell this little one that his family wanted him.. that they worked for it... and that they adopted him. Or that they tried their best to maintain a relationship even when the state decided they couldn't adopt... or that by some miracle his mom finds Christ, gets clean, changes her whole life around and takes him into her arms as the whole person she could be and loves him forever as God first hoped for. That is my hope. The likelihood is low. But God can do anything. My heart aches for the mom, the unknowing father, the young uncle who's trying to work his life out to make it happen despite his past problems, the grandma who has already taken on mom's other kids but isn't sure if she can handle more. My heart aches for them all.
So by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving.. I am presenting my requests to God.
For the salvation of Mom, Dad, Uncle, Grandma.
For reunification, Restoration, Adoption.
For a life of Love no matter where he ends up.
For a full life without trauma and hurt for Lil Guy.
For a peaceful, love filled start in our home for Lil Guy.
For the wisdom and perception of the case workers, lawyers, judges, CASAs in his case.
For mercy, and grace, patience and hope in the midst of all the chaos.
And for a peaceful untainted heart in the midst of the turmoil, judgment, processing and patience.
Amen.
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Oxytocin high, NICU nurses rock, and cutest baby feet ever.
Many thanks to Misty for being willing to watch my boys. I have been abusing the fact that my kids feel so very at home with her. She's become a second mother of sorts. I understand because I totally love her kids in that way too. It's a blessing to have that, and super rare for a military family. So thanks Misty..
Also Keri for being so willing to jump through hoops for us and watch our kids and foster kids as well.
On to the baby love.
Got to the NICU around 5pm last night. Had to wash and gown up. Get a security band and wind my way through what seemed to be a very crowded space of incubators and the tiniest of babes covered in wires and tubes and sweet little swaddles. Nurses were busy bees flitting from nest flower to flower checking on their sweet lil people. It was a beautiful site. Moms were gowned and snuggling their wired up littles, some trying to nurse or at least feed breastmilk. One mom brought in a bottle of like a 1/4 oz. All I could think was how hard she had worked for that, and what pure gold it would be to that baby. Which switched my brain to business.. because I am not allowed to give breastmilk to foster babies.. not even certified donor milk via a milkbank. What a shame.
I was brought to a bassinet (not an incubator, but an open bassinet. There was a crocheted blanket over top to I'm sure limit stimulation and lights. A nurse was sitting in a chair charting and I was introduced as foster mom to Baby Boy Chavez (Not really his name. but you get the idea.. He'll still be Lil Guy on here). At that point I wasn't sure if he had been given a real name.
She updated me on his history, his full name (yay.. and a great strong name). She walked me through some of the details with the moms situation that she was aware of as well as the Kin. I was still not sure if he was ever notified.
Good news was that his medical history shows he was in really great shape and really only in the NICU for respitory distress. He wasn't even born that small, they actually think he was closer to 34 or 35 weeks.. not 32.
She surprised me by saying baby is basically ready for discharge pending a carseat test, an overnight room in and the prescription he needs. I said great.. wait what? So tonight I'll be staying at the hospital.. basically to show them I can feed a baby every 3 hours. Which is significantly easier in my opinion than my to breastfeeders.. try every 1.5 hours. For an hour each feeding. And the best part is JUSTIN CAN HELP! He gets to snuggle and feed at LEAST once a night.. which means I could potentially get 6 hours of sleep at night! Assuming I go to bed at 9:30.
I got to stay for the 6pm feeding after having snuggled this tiny lil froggy baby. I wanted to cry changing his diaper.. he was saggy baggy elephant for sure. But he was super cute. and I was riding high on the oxytocin waves. I almost passed out when I left. For real. Hormones are hilarious.
At about 6:15 I hear from behind me a bunch of spanish I couldve understood if I had been listening and I overheard last name of the baby. I was facing the wall and did not see the man speaking.. but my understanding of the whole ordeal was that he was there to visit.. he did not have his security bracelet or his ID.. So they weren't letting him in.. but he knew the ID number.. wasn't that sufficient? The nurse quickly escorted the man out as I creepily stared at the wall. I was not about to introduce myself if he was still unaware of the situation with CPS. So thanks to the nurse's quick thinking he was escorted out.
I hope he comes back to visit today.
I hope he doesn't come back Wednesday AFTER discharge to find out the baby has been taken.
I hope he is told the situation and WORKS HARD to get all the details covered.
I hope he doesn't do something stupid to kill his chances.
And here's the moment you've all been waiting for. Well sort of.. this was already on Facebook. I'll post more pics tomorrow night. Obviously.. I can post face pictures.. for condfentiality purposes.. but I sure can post ears and fuzzy hair.. THE FUZZIEST! etc.
Also Keri for being so willing to jump through hoops for us and watch our kids and foster kids as well.
On to the baby love.
Got to the NICU around 5pm last night. Had to wash and gown up. Get a security band and wind my way through what seemed to be a very crowded space of incubators and the tiniest of babes covered in wires and tubes and sweet little swaddles. Nurses were busy bees flitting from nest flower to flower checking on their sweet lil people. It was a beautiful site. Moms were gowned and snuggling their wired up littles, some trying to nurse or at least feed breastmilk. One mom brought in a bottle of like a 1/4 oz. All I could think was how hard she had worked for that, and what pure gold it would be to that baby. Which switched my brain to business.. because I am not allowed to give breastmilk to foster babies.. not even certified donor milk via a milkbank. What a shame.
I was brought to a bassinet (not an incubator, but an open bassinet. There was a crocheted blanket over top to I'm sure limit stimulation and lights. A nurse was sitting in a chair charting and I was introduced as foster mom to Baby Boy Chavez (Not really his name. but you get the idea.. He'll still be Lil Guy on here). At that point I wasn't sure if he had been given a real name.
She updated me on his history, his full name (yay.. and a great strong name). She walked me through some of the details with the moms situation that she was aware of as well as the Kin. I was still not sure if he was ever notified.
Good news was that his medical history shows he was in really great shape and really only in the NICU for respitory distress. He wasn't even born that small, they actually think he was closer to 34 or 35 weeks.. not 32.
She surprised me by saying baby is basically ready for discharge pending a carseat test, an overnight room in and the prescription he needs. I said great.. wait what? So tonight I'll be staying at the hospital.. basically to show them I can feed a baby every 3 hours. Which is significantly easier in my opinion than my to breastfeeders.. try every 1.5 hours. For an hour each feeding. And the best part is JUSTIN CAN HELP! He gets to snuggle and feed at LEAST once a night.. which means I could potentially get 6 hours of sleep at night! Assuming I go to bed at 9:30.
I got to stay for the 6pm feeding after having snuggled this tiny lil froggy baby. I wanted to cry changing his diaper.. he was saggy baggy elephant for sure. But he was super cute. and I was riding high on the oxytocin waves. I almost passed out when I left. For real. Hormones are hilarious.
At about 6:15 I hear from behind me a bunch of spanish I couldve understood if I had been listening and I overheard last name of the baby. I was facing the wall and did not see the man speaking.. but my understanding of the whole ordeal was that he was there to visit.. he did not have his security bracelet or his ID.. So they weren't letting him in.. but he knew the ID number.. wasn't that sufficient? The nurse quickly escorted the man out as I creepily stared at the wall. I was not about to introduce myself if he was still unaware of the situation with CPS. So thanks to the nurse's quick thinking he was escorted out.
I hope he comes back to visit today.
I hope he doesn't come back Wednesday AFTER discharge to find out the baby has been taken.
I hope he is told the situation and WORKS HARD to get all the details covered.
I hope he doesn't do something stupid to kill his chances.
And here's the moment you've all been waiting for. Well sort of.. this was already on Facebook. I'll post more pics tomorrow night. Obviously.. I can post face pictures.. for condfentiality purposes.. but I sure can post ears and fuzzy hair.. THE FUZZIEST! etc.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Licensed and Already in the Adventure!
Thursday was my birthday and our official Licensing Day! March 3, 2016. We are a foster/adopt home! My husband was at work so I had Otto and Micaiah home with me. Our home developer J is pretty awesome so far. After signing all the paperwork and making a vague comment about being willing to do Respite and Emergency placements she was all excited and had a question for us....
Would we be willing to do a two week respite for a little boy in about two weeks.. 15 months old.. already in foster care for a few months. Fostermom has something medical to take care of. He's in daycare so I have the choice of bringing him to daycare daily and the worker will handle visits OR keep him home and do transpo to visits myself. We said YES! A perfect trial run, practice run what have you. And good timing for my potential shoulder surgery I'm dreading. I'll be able to do the respite before surgery, then do surgery and take a break before the next placement. BAM. We had our first placement set.
Then.. Today.. I get another call from J.
J: Can you clarify a few things for me?
Me: Sure
J: Would you be willing to do emergency care?
Me: Sure! I think so.
J: Would you be willing to take a baby who tested positive?
Me: Tested positive for what exactly? (Thinking HIV.. which I would have to think about)
J: So here's the situation...
Me: Ok... Lets hear it!
J: We have a baby coming into care for XYZ reasons, Preemie born at 32 wks, Still at the hospital getting care for XYZ reasons. {The term Narco Baby.. was used.. which made me want to cry... we got details on the exact situation... obviously can't share them here} The baby may be released later this week.. We would obviously love for whatever family takes the placement to go to the hospital and start the bonding process. There are family identified that would be getting visits. We'll know more after some time.
Me: Uhhhhh.... Ok
J: Obviously we want you to talk to your husband.
Me: Uhhhhhh...... Ok.
J: This would mean NOT taking the respite placement obviously.
Me: Right. Ok. So.. {Insert my telling her about my shoulder appt monday and possible surgery situation and why the timing for the respite was good.. but that I still wasn't sure and and and.. let me talk to my husband.} So we will EITHER do the respite, or the emergency placement. I can tell you which on Monday.
J: GREAT!
Oh Kay. So welcome to the rollercoaster. FOR REAL. And I thought the military life was dramatic.
I started praying real hard right then. That's actually a lie. I basically stared at a wall for about ten minutes working on the right thing to pray. I wanted to love on that sweet lonely in the hospital baby right then and there. I was unsure of Justin's reaction. I figured he would want to go with the "safe" two week respite as our first placement.
I was wrong. He said let's do it. I love that man. "I do not want to get into the habit of saying NO. This is what we wanted. Are we just going to hope for another newborn placement after surgery then run out of time? Let's do it"
We said yes to the emergency.. Assuming we hear back from our caseworker this weekend.. We will be delaying my surgery. And will probably have a preemie newborn by the end of the week. Um. Ok. Thank you Lord. Please miraculously heal whatever tweak is wrong with my shoulder. Or at least keep it at its current OKness. And please get J to call us back sooner than later. It was very anticlimactic to text her Yes to the Emergency and get NO response. I mean isn't she on call 24/7/365? Ok fine. Maybe not :)
So I'm totally ok with whatever happens. I'm totally terrible at keeping my mouth shut in the meantime. I told people I was pregnant two minutes after the stick had two stripes. I texted pictures to my sister. I can't keep news in. I'm a processor. Gah. So anyway. I WILL be discrete about details.. but man.. this is the life we chose and its only been TWO DAYS. I'm beyond thrilled. And freaked. And terrified.
You can pray for us these ways:
That J would confirm the placement
That Lil Guy would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That our TWO would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That I'll not overthink/overplan/overshop... and that I can be patient.
That my doctor on Monday will NOT say... YOU NEED SURGERY NOW.
That we can visit Lil Guy this week.. and that the boys can come too..
Would we be willing to do a two week respite for a little boy in about two weeks.. 15 months old.. already in foster care for a few months. Fostermom has something medical to take care of. He's in daycare so I have the choice of bringing him to daycare daily and the worker will handle visits OR keep him home and do transpo to visits myself. We said YES! A perfect trial run, practice run what have you. And good timing for my potential shoulder surgery I'm dreading. I'll be able to do the respite before surgery, then do surgery and take a break before the next placement. BAM. We had our first placement set.
Then.. Today.. I get another call from J.
J: Can you clarify a few things for me?
Me: Sure
J: Would you be willing to do emergency care?
Me: Sure! I think so.
J: Would you be willing to take a baby who tested positive?
Me: Tested positive for what exactly? (Thinking HIV.. which I would have to think about)
J: So here's the situation...
Me: Ok... Lets hear it!
J: We have a baby coming into care for XYZ reasons, Preemie born at 32 wks, Still at the hospital getting care for XYZ reasons. {The term Narco Baby.. was used.. which made me want to cry... we got details on the exact situation... obviously can't share them here} The baby may be released later this week.. We would obviously love for whatever family takes the placement to go to the hospital and start the bonding process. There are family identified that would be getting visits. We'll know more after some time.
Me: Uhhhhh.... Ok
J: Obviously we want you to talk to your husband.
Me: Uhhhhhh...... Ok.
J: This would mean NOT taking the respite placement obviously.
Me: Right. Ok. So.. {Insert my telling her about my shoulder appt monday and possible surgery situation and why the timing for the respite was good.. but that I still wasn't sure and and and.. let me talk to my husband.} So we will EITHER do the respite, or the emergency placement. I can tell you which on Monday.
J: GREAT!
Oh Kay. So welcome to the rollercoaster. FOR REAL. And I thought the military life was dramatic.
I started praying real hard right then. That's actually a lie. I basically stared at a wall for about ten minutes working on the right thing to pray. I wanted to love on that sweet lonely in the hospital baby right then and there. I was unsure of Justin's reaction. I figured he would want to go with the "safe" two week respite as our first placement.
I was wrong. He said let's do it. I love that man. "I do not want to get into the habit of saying NO. This is what we wanted. Are we just going to hope for another newborn placement after surgery then run out of time? Let's do it"
We said yes to the emergency.. Assuming we hear back from our caseworker this weekend.. We will be delaying my surgery. And will probably have a preemie newborn by the end of the week. Um. Ok. Thank you Lord. Please miraculously heal whatever tweak is wrong with my shoulder. Or at least keep it at its current OKness. And please get J to call us back sooner than later. It was very anticlimactic to text her Yes to the Emergency and get NO response. I mean isn't she on call 24/7/365? Ok fine. Maybe not :)
So I'm totally ok with whatever happens. I'm totally terrible at keeping my mouth shut in the meantime. I told people I was pregnant two minutes after the stick had two stripes. I texted pictures to my sister. I can't keep news in. I'm a processor. Gah. So anyway. I WILL be discrete about details.. but man.. this is the life we chose and its only been TWO DAYS. I'm beyond thrilled. And freaked. And terrified.
You can pray for us these ways:
That J would confirm the placement
That Lil Guy would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That our TWO would handle the transition and withdrawal easily.
That I'll not overthink/overplan/overshop... and that I can be patient.
That my doctor on Monday will NOT say... YOU NEED SURGERY NOW.
That we can visit Lil Guy this week.. and that the boys can come too..
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