Once Hope Anchors it's Hard to Reel Back In.

Last night was rough.
Lil Guy got shots yesterday at his 6 month appointment. Here's what that means...

1) I'm grateful I'm allowed to give homeopathics (Like Hyland's Teething Tablets, or just straight Arnica Montana to help with the pain.. since we are NOT allowed to give OTC medication.. which you aren't really supposed to give anyway after shots.. but I'm pretty sure most moms do)

2) I'm also grateful for Lavender essential oils (I use Doterra. I don't worry about my babies. I slather them in this stuff. I swear its why Otto never got sick.. ok barely ever)

3)I'm grateful for husbands who wake up and make coffee and say I'm sorry that night was so rough.

4) We've had Lil Guy for SIX MONTHS and there finally SOME progression in his case.. more on that later.

5.) I'm 6 months pregnant. Because Lil guy was basically born on conception day much to our surprise. This baby is due just a few days shy of Lil Guy's 9 month birthday.

6) I basically don't sleep. Between M waking because he is 19 months, Otto waking because of nightmares or peeing through his pullup and Lil Guy's night feeding (and usually one cry back to sleep).. oh and pregnancy bladder.. I don't sleep. and I basically never will.. for like 5 years. I'm ok with that, but I do love all the starbucks and caffeination my friends provide.

7) We are halfway through the first year of Lil Guys life.. which means we are halfway to a termination hearing, halfway to the potential for adoption and halfway to hoping. And that.. is becoming more real.. and more exciting.. and more terrifying day by day.

Here's some basic information you need to know about kids in fostercare:

In the state of Texas (and most if not all other states) bioparents have 1 year to attempt reunification, complete services or show up in the case of an unknown father (like our case); CPS has one year to work the plan and search for possible kinship care if the bio parents are uninterested or not allowed due to whatever circumstances (both like our case).  Here's a link to a timeline for Texas CPS Removal of a Child.    This was super helpful to me because I couldn't believe we we JUST had our 180 day permanency hearing and we wouldn't have another for 4 months.. but I guess... that's the normal thing.

Also.. in order to adopt a child from foster care..they have to have lived with you for at least 6 months. So CHECK THAT BOX OFF!!!


As far as our situation goes..

- When they first called they asked if we would take an emergency placement that already had two family members interested in taking Lil Guy.. One who mom had already made a verbal agreement with prior to birth. Our adoption chances were super low.. but would we be willing? I was hesitant to take on a Preemie with potential medical issues and nearly zero chance of adoption.. but Justin said "We said from the start.. if they offer we accept.. and trust God with the case". So we said yes.

-One month passed with no contact from uncle (Insert tiny tentative hope anchor into my soul.)

-Month two passed and Uncle showed up.. wanting visitation and doing "everything he could as quick as he could to get Lil Guy home." Including post pictures on FB of "daddy and baby".  We struggled but it wasn't a surprise so we did our best to love Lil Guy and support Uncle in the small ways we could.

-Month Three and Four- Visits with Uncle.. kind of sporadic as he didn't show up or cancelled multiple times. He still hadn't turned in all the required paperwork to submit the home study.. and the case couldn't move forward until all that happened. Caseworkers said.. we'll know in six weeks one way or the other. Other caseworker said it was only a 50/50 chance that uncle would get him (This was a drastic change from the "most likely" scenario  we were presented with. (insert hope anchor number two into my soul)

-Month Five and Six- Uncle made some dumb mistakes, stopped showing up for visits, but started yelling Lawyer Lawyer so the caseworkers were trying to be very careful with the case.

End of month Six: CURRENT STATUS Aug 16.  Caseworkers have moved on from uncle.. but have not notified him. There is another family member who has been contacted and given a kinship packet. We have hit our minimum of time lived with us that will allow for adoption if parental rights are terminated. We have made our willingness clear. We have favor with the CASA representatives. We have favor with the case workers.



Looking forward:
The next permanency hearing is in December. At that point.. they will begin the termination of parental rights process. If there has been approved kin found... Lil Guy will be placed with them (he would restart his 6months in the home requirement with Kin and Kin will still be under watch from CPS via home visits etc as in typical foster care) If no kin is found or approved.. Termination hearing will be set. Mom and Unknown Father's rights will be terminated at the 1 year hearing (in February) and Lil Guy will be open for adoption. AND WE WILL BE THE TOP OF THE LIST!

INSERT GIANT HOPE ANCHOR.

So Here's the thing. Once Hope Anchors.. its super hard to move from that spot. A lot harder to reel back in than it is to drop. And it's incredibly humbling. And terrifying. We went from a 10% chance of adoption.. to 50%... then 75% .. and now I feel like we are somewhere between 60% to 90%. Depending on how this cousin pans out..

Last thing: We have been super lucky/blessed with our case workers. and the relatively drama free nature of this case. No childhood trauma issues, no crazy or defensive bio parents, cordial relationship with kin, fairly easy medical outcomes and developmental outcomes for Lil Guy, fairly clear case plan, favor with our workers, perfect holy timing with a million factors that only God could orchestrate so beautifully. We are only now beginning to scratch the surface of what typical foster parents endure.

I still have a heart for foster care. not just adoption... not just Lil Guy and we're done. But we will probably have to take a break after Abe is born.. just cuz.. 4 kids 4 and under = me going batty + Justin deploying next year. We will be open for Legal Risk (nearly terminated or high probability of termination of rights and thus already open or nearly open for adoption) and Adoption cases only. but probably not just foster care cases for a while.

So prayer requests:
- Still having hearts for Lil Guy's best interest.. not just our desire to adopt the lil chunk.
- Trusting God with our big boy's hearts if Lil Guy goes.
- Allowing ourselves to hope that he gets to stay with us.. and beginning to pray fervently for that outcome because we believe that it IS the best outcome that we are currently aware of.
- Allowing myself to be open to the fact that cousin could be an amazing mother/believer for Lil Guy.. and not to be prejudiced against her due to those stinky hope anchors I'm struggling to reel in.
- Prayer for the timing of potential adoptive placements, and Lil Guy's potential adoption.. in conjunction with Justin's deployment next summer.
-Prayer for Abe's birth and the transition to 4 kids 4 and under. Like.. will I survive?

Love you all!

Love, Faithfulness, Trust, Submission= Favor, Good Name, Straight Paths.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

Then you will win favor and a good name

in the sight of God and man.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:3-6

This has been a rollercoaster of a week. 

Monday our visit was delayed because Uncle was getting electricity in his new apartment.. which means the homestudy is going to be done shortly before potential reunification. I was happy for Uncle. Sad to feel like the possibility of Lil Guy going was becoming more real, but hopeful the process would be moving forward. 

Tuesday our dog Roscoe got hit by a car. He was 12 years old, 6 of them with Justin and I. He came to us at a time when Justin and I really needed something to bring us together at the beginning of our marriage. (If you are a newlywed and no one has ever told you this. THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE CAN BE AWFUL. You spend the year getting stripped of fleshy desires, needs and expectations until you are naked and raw and finally ready to unify with your spouse, finally ready to die to yourself in service of the other. But there is hope. Hang on, Trust God. You'll get there, and you will end up with an amazing marriage built on things that matter.. hope, grace, forgiveness..K I'm done..)  It was so hard to lose him. It was even harder explaining it to Biggest Boy. I think he understands but wow. I cried so much that day. I'm so grateful for our awesome friends who happened to be there to watch the boys while I brought the dog to the vet. 

Wednesday was basically spent cleaning as much as possible and going to Sam's Club for groceries. Our caseworker was coming Friday for a "as if I'm licensing" walk through. I was nervous. Especially since her unnannounced quarterly visit last month was a wreck. I had my med closet not only unlocked but open, and both medications were just lying around. The house was covered in laundry since I was mid laundry day and the dishes were piled. It was humiliating. So we spent most of Wednesday working on the house. Deep cleaning and recovering from the emotional turmoil of Tuesday's loss. 

Thursday morning we had a scheduled visit so the boys and I loaded up and headed to the CPS building to drop off. We sat in the waiting room just shooting the breeze with Uncle for about 20 minutes before both of us realized our worker hadn't come and neither of us had even told her we were there. It was a good relaxed convo. He shared some family medical history that shed some light on the reflux/tummy/eczema issues we've been having. Sounds like he's got an apartment to furnish and get inspected once they start the home study. 

After the visit he and the worker expressed concerns about how the spit up situation was getting "really bad" and what I thought we should do. I told them the formula was prescribed so if that was the issue we'd have to go to the Pediatrician and ask her first. So in an effort to not be flippant about his issues, I called the pediatrician's office and they had a walk in available. She decided to try a new formula, despite her reservations due to his prematurity and exposure at birth, so we are working on that now. That made for a crazy afternoon of wonky naps. We had small group later that night and I was dreading it due to the afternoon chaos but it turned out great. I communicated how sure I was Lil Guy was going with uncle and maybe sooner than later. It's bittersweet for sure. 

Friday was the big day of the walk through with our caseworker. I was a nervous wreck. Not only was she going to take pictures again.. and thus I wanted the house as neat as possible. Also I wanted to make sure all the licensing stuff was right. Besides all that we had a bomb to drop on our caseworker. We are pregnant again! Woot! And not only that but I'm like 13 weeks (we are still a bit fudgy on the dates til our 20wk ultrasound). I had been super nervous in how to tell her, when to tell her and how to communicate that we STILL want to foster Lil Guy, are nearly ready for new placements, and we REALLY want to adopt and would move mountains if a case came up. Thank the Lord for Justin. He did awesome at communicating in clear and kind language that not only are we happy we are pregnant, but that we would STILL adopt Lil Guy, and we would STILL take another placement, and that we would definitely do whatever we needed to do if a legal risk (higher likelihood of adoption) or a legally free match came up throughout Texas. I was so proud. That would mean like 5 kids in our house in the next year, with a pending deployment. He even suggested a potential for hiring a live in nanny or housekeeper to help make it work. I was in awe. 

So in the end. We had a ROUGH start with an AWESOME end. Now we have the weekend to relax. My house is clean. My hubs is amazing. My 3 boys are precious. Baby is doing well. God is SO GOOD.  

Love Faithfulness Trust Submission = Favor, Good Name and Straight Paths. 

Amen.

Phew Month Two.

It has been a whirlwind this week! Lil guy is doing great and gaining like a champ. He's still plagued by reflux which is tough but we've troubleshooted and medicated enough its under control thank goodness. Makes tummy/playtime a bit tricky. I'm trying to work on more stimulating wake time as he reaches his 3 month birthday soon. The ceiling from his rock n play does little  and the swing puts him to sleep. His night time sleep suffers as he basically snoozes in boredom on the days we are home. I can't really carry him as much either as he'll either puke down my shirt, scream or start to hurt my back. Today we got a play gym type thing and he seemed to dig it from his back.. until he threw up like 4 times (sorry misty... I will clean it :)) due to I assume being flat on his back after eating (it had been at least 30 minutes.) We'll work it out hopefully.

As far as his case goes we are still currently pursuing unification with kin (uncle and partner). We have been doing visits and it is going well. I've been trying to engage just a little bit every time with uncle and he seems super receptive. I passed on some advice I got from Melani, a veteran foster mom I've been blessed to get to know and get wisdom from. She's a great resource on speed dial :) Thanks Melani. I told him to make sure to keep up with his paperwork and to hound the caseworkers often to keep fresh in their minds. I'm sure its easy to get lost in the shuffle. He was super receptive and was all keyed up to call his caseworker on his way home :)

Originally our visits were only an hour. With two kids in tow that's barely enough time for ME to get out of the parking lot before having to come back. Besides that it seemed counter-intuitive for bonding when baby is so little that the more minutes you've got the more recognition he'll have with family. They kept them short at first to minimize "over-stimulation" but I truly felt like it was worse to haul him in, stay for 30 minutes. Fed changed and ready to go. Besides uncle has been late a few times and they don't get to make up the time.. so the visits have really only been like 45 minutes long. I'm SO GLAD that I already have good rapport with his worker because she was super receptive to the idea of longer visits and they are stretching them to 2 hours instead of just one. Phew. So starting Thursday I'll actually get a good chunk of break time with otto for the splash pad, or lunch or groceries. And more importantly uncle will actually have a chance to settle in and bond with baby during the visit. Hopefully it goes well.

I think part of me also feels like uncle needs a taste of reality in what two hours with a newborn will be like if he starts fussing 10 minutes in :)  He doesn't get rescued in 30 minutes because the visit is magically over. And the caseworkers/assistants aren't going to step in unless there is a safety concern.

Anyway. We are waiting on a homestudy once Uncle gets his own place so hopefully they'll move things along at that point.

I am really hoping for the sake of baby and uncle that it doesn't get dragged out too long. Hopefully mom will suck it up and relinquish rights to uncle as she originally intended which would seriously speed it all up. Otherwise the poor guy will still have a fight for a while even if he gets the placement.

All in all I'm still enjoying Daniel and we are doing well with it all. I miss my sleep but hopefully if we can keep the reflux under control and get him on a better rhythm and more stimulation during the day we might be able to stretch out the night a bit. At this point every night feeding is 2-3 hours apart but only 1 ounce! I wish I had the heart to let him cry a bit. I really don't :) I tend not to till they've hit a year or so.


Please be praying for:
Continued positive relationship with Uncle
Continued positive visitations
Getting a better handle on the house management especially with regulations for licensing.. keepingup with documentation, outlets, and all the little things they are picky about.
A continued heart for Uncle and for Daniel.
Continued conversations with Otto about the whys of fostercare, visitations etc.
A prayerful heart for God's will in it all, protection and peace.

Staying Grounded.

Lil Guy has finally started gaining weight.. I think. We had to switch formula for a bit.. which I think the reflux/gas meds in hopes to keep it all in check. I think I figured out that the powdered formula version of the Enfacare for preemies basically turns into foam if you shake it.. which is basically just bubbles.... and thus gas.. So I'm going to try to make it without the foam.. or make it and let it sit in the refrigerator to settle a bit and see if that makes a difference. That Nutramigen stuff smelled like old cheese.. it was terrible. He grimaced every time he'd start drinking. Yuck. Anyway so hopefully we'll get back on track with the Hi Cal and get his weight up. He is gaining just veery slowly.

One piece of great news is that ECI decided he doesn't qualify for services at this point.. meaning he's doing so well he won't need therapy or anything yet. We'll get an eval at the Border Children's Clinic which specializes in "special situation" type babies... which being drug exposed qualifies him for that program. So they'll check him in a few months and we'll keep an eye on developmental milestones just in case.

Our first visit from caseworkers/legal and I think a CASA is coming up on Tuesday.. a week or so before his courtdate to finalize the case plan. So I'll get a bit more info on what their plan is for kin/visitation etc. Hopefully I'll be able to find out if anyone is in fact going to work for the placement or not. So that rollercoaster will be beginning soon.



A friend asked me yesterday how.. in the midst of the emotional turmoil.. do I stay grounded.

Honestly I feel a bit silly because we are so new to all this that there hasn't been a ton of turmoil yet. We haven't experienced courts and visitations and the back and forth of the foster care system that I know so many of you other foster parents have experienced. I do feel like we've gotten a taste.. and I do feel like I know what I'll be needing in the future

So I have been thinking a lot about that since she asked. My answer was a bit simple.. too simple maybe.

 I told her that I've tried to stay in the Word and cling to the verses that specifically speak of God being the Father to the Fatherless. Trying to align myself with HIS heart for the fatherless. His heart for Lil Guy.  It is truly sad to consider the fact that this poor Lil Guy truly is Fatherless, and Motherless to some degree. Abandoned. There are family in the mix that may step up. Or not. But for him.. God is his...

DEFENDER
He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. Deut 10:18


But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. Ps. 10:14

FATHER
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. Ps 68:5

WE are called to be:

DEFENDERS
Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.Ps 82:3

PROVIDERS
When you have finished setting aside a tenth of all your produce in the third year, the year of the tithe, you shall give it to the Levite, the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow, so that they may eat in your towns and be satisfied. Deut 26:12

CAREGIVERS
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27


It's heartbreaking to know that this Lil Guy fits all of those categories. Fatherless. Orphan. etc. 

In the meantime we are doing our best to make sure he does not feel the void.

I also told my friend I am trying to love as intensely as I can.. but with a loose grip. I will not cling to Lil Guy, and refuse to trust he is First a child of God, and then my foster son. This is true of my own children as well. The tighter I hold on to them, the more God will have to pry my hands open. The harder I'll have to fight Him.. which is not comfortable. And not peaceful. So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to find the balance. Trying to live out the call .. defender, provider, caregiver. Essentially... be a mom. I can do that.


Everyone gets swept in a whirlwind in some way... at some point.. so..

How do you stay grounded?